Feeling odd today. Few days away from the deadline and I'm getting mixed signals from R&D management about process for late logs and stuff we aren't going to finish testing. I thought I had it sorted, told my team about it and may have to amend my statement because of it. I do not like doing that one bit.
I've also been having nightmares. One last night about being attacked by something... non specific. Another about my teeth shattering from clenching my jaw too tightly. I went to the dentist in that one and bossed him around for not seeing my after hours and not paying attention t me when I was dumping tooth fragments on his desk. I don't think the latter was a nightmare so much as revisualization of other issues paired with some fears. No fun either way.
To whom it may concern: I am NO FUN to sleep with near deadlines. Lots of bad dreams and flailing. :/
From hellocthulhu I stole this link to Astrolab's in-depth astrology reading. It's kind of neat and, I think, accurate.
July 5 1982
12:00 PM Time Zone is CDT
Rising Sign is in 00 Degrees Libra
Very attractive and popular, your charm helps you to get your own way and prevents others from getting angry with you. "Peace and harmony at all costs" is your battle cry. You always try to ameliorate or to cosmetically hide any physical ugliness or any angry feelings between people. Flashy, but not gaudy, you prefer to dress elegantly. You generally have good taste in music, art and literature. Beware of the tendency to compromise yourself in your attempt to be agreeable at all times. A bit of a social butterfly, at times you can be vain and lazy. For the most part, however, you are gracious and affectionate, and your refined and aristocratic demeanor serves as a role model to others.
Sun is in 13 Degrees Cancer.
Very emotional and sensitive, you have an intuitive understanding of the "vibes" around you. You tend to be quite generous, giving, loving and caring, but only when your own needs for emotional support, love and security have been met. If they are not met, you tend to withdraw into yourself and become very insecure and selfish. Your home and family (especially your mother or the person who played that role for you early on) represent security for you and thus assume a larger-than-life importance. Very sentimental, you have vivid and long- enduring memories of the past. No matter how well adjusted you are, you will always need a secret quiet place of your own in order to feel at peace. Feeding others can give you great pleasure you would enjoy being part of a large family.
Moon is in 06 Degrees Capricorn.
You are serious and shy and very uncomfortable in those situations where spontaneous and exuberant emotional reactions seem called for. An achiever, you prefer doing practical, worthwhile things that produce tangible results. You need role models to respect, love and emulate. You tend to feel that you're a failure unless you get an important and highly respected position in life. Don't be so hard on yourself! For you, practical needs always win out over emotional considerations. Remember that you too have the right to comfort, security and love. Dutiful and patient, when you make an emotional commitment, you sign on for the long haul -- your love is long- enduring.
Mercury is in 23 Degrees Gemini.
Your mind is active, quick and agile. You are very restless and you get bored easily. Unless you receive constant mental stimulation, you become extremely nervous and begin to act in an unstable manner. You are probably a good student because of your natural inquisitiveness. You also love to travel. Your learning tends to be superficial, though, because you have a relatively short attention span. Try to develop the mental discipline to finish what you start. Also, you tend to talk on at times seemingly just to fill space -- make sure that your conversation has some substance to it or others will start avoiding you.
Venus is in 12 Degrees Gemini.
You are friendly, warm, open and tolerant toward others. You love variety in relationships, indeed you may even prefer to maintain more than one relationship at a time! Very witty and humorous, you have the ability to amuse and please others. This makes you quite popular. You love to play the field and thus find it difficult to settle down and make any deep emotional commitments. Your innate charm and vivacity makes you welcome most everywhere you go.
Mars is in 15 Degrees Libra.
You are very aware of the need to cooperate with others in order to further any effort. You are usually willing to compromise with others, although you can be quite competitive in a friendly way. Very fair- minded and impartial, you have the ability to sense injustice and the desire to take corrective actions to make proper compensations. You see both sides of issues and questions, but you tend to be undecided or wavering when forced to make choices that might make you vulnerable or unpopular.
Jupiter is in 00 Degrees Scorpio.
You love to dig deep beneath surface appearances in order to find out what is really happening. A persistent researcher, you are very interested in the psychology of any situation. You tend to become overwhelmed by the complexity of what you uncover, however, and that makes you a bit gun-shy about explaining things to others. But you must learn to try to communicate as best you can because what you know is really very valuable to others.
Saturn is in 15 Degrees Libra.
Although you take quite a while to make decisions, you usually consider all sides to a question, all the pros and cons, and the solution you come up with is very often the correct one. You tend to be very reserved and shy, but, once you make a commitment to someone (in either a business or personal relationship), the partnership is forever. You have a strong sense of justice and fair play and greatly respect the laws and institutions by which you are governed. As such, you are outraged when others break laws or show contempt for authority.
Uranus is in 01 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and most of your peers, have the tendency to think that all ideas, customs and traditions from the past are outmoded and irrelevant. You are attracted to radically new ideas, philosophies and religions that will, hopefully, cause sweeping changes throughout the world.
Neptune is in 25 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."
Pluto is in 24 Degrees Libra.
For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly.
N. Node is in 13 Degrees Cancer.
You genuinely enjoy meeting other people, but you're at your best if you can do so from the comfort of your own home. You prefer others to come to you and tend to feel uncomfortable about leaving your home or neighborhood for any extended period of time. Those who do come in contact with you are struck by your caring and obliging nature -- you really make them feel at home. You form the closest ties, however, with members of your immediate family, especially your parents and children. You're at your best attending or organizing family reunions!
Some of it spoke to me more than other parts - astounding, I know. The part about compromising in the first paragraph I've been considering a lot in the last few days. Ditto the second paragraph regarding being affectionate when my emotional needs are met. Given some of my actions, my texting and emailing, I'm wonder if I'm feeling satisfied or if my insecurity about my feelings are overwhelming things. I assume the latter which likely confirms it. Maybe?
More often than not my insecurity wins the game which throws me into a spiral and I reach out in destructive ways. I'm currently worried that what's happening and the only way for me to get over it is to convince myself everything is OK. It's one thing, in my mind, to be reassured by others when needed, but it rarely lasts unless I believe myself. My ideals for reassurance are messed up, which doesn't help. I believe you can't expect anything for which you don't ask but also think asking diminishes the quality of that for which I asked. To a degree I want what I want to be spontaneously offered as, in my mind, it is clearly something I need so I shouldn't have to ask for it.
See how convoluted that is?
Further, to ask for something and request that it be delivered spontaneously is unreasonable because that's essentially requiring that they read minds. if they aren't already doing it for what ever reason, asking that they do it regularly of their own volition is silly.
And this, of course, feeds into my dislike for myself in all these things because I ultimately want things I don't think I should reasonably expect.
Yeah. It's all a little crazy.
And I would never want to organize a family reunion. Where did that come from? :)
- And all the time I see you there in the eye of my mind, and all that cheap macho stuff about de Sade, misogyny, vanish in thin air and I'm moved to tears just like any other sucker who's been bruised by all the things that weren't to be, and yet who's ready to fall down on his knees in front of a woman and say "Whatever you may do, whatever you may be to me, despite the times we disagree, your ridiculous ambitions,your conventional inhibitions, I want you to know that I respect you, I accept you and I want you to accept me, I want to kiss you, kiss your stockinged knee, accept the uniquely soft flesh on the undersides of your hips"
Momus - Closer To You
I'm on a monochrome kick. It's almost obscene.
I'll adulate your sepia tones, dust them gingerly over your bare hips with a soft brush, if you just give me the chance. You'll love every slow minute.