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Lights - Portrait of a Young Man as The Artist — LiveJournal
abmann
abmann
Lights

Overture for the Holidays

I'm not huge on the holidays. I always feel pressure when giving gifts that someone will be dissatisfied with my choices and be angry at them. Ultimately, were this to happen, I suspect the filing would be in that person instead of me - especially if they make a big deal about it. Well, sort of. I would want to know if the gift isn't right and try to rectify, I think. At the same time, dude: Gift. Horse. Mouth.

Suffice, the holidays make me anxious. And poor. Wow, should I not go so overboard. I am, however, very good at making up for perceived crappiness in a gift by supplying you with man, many crappy gifts.

These are all habits I'd really like to get over one day. :/ Or just be able to give everyone I know a million dollars. That'll solve it.

Today? Today I feel better. I worked a number of things out yesterday with a couple of people and feel much better for it. In one case, I'm still frustrated that I'm essentially powerless to seek -if we include "acquisition" in the definition - what I want but understand that this will likely be temporary (and brief, Jeebus willing). Also, that I'm the frustration isn't one sided is beneficial, ultimately increasing the bond. Suffice that I continue to desire and be so desired and very quickly run down my text message allotment with silly and or dirty messages.

In the other... well, I feel funny how somethings go unexplained for so long. We've further refined our definitions and understanding. Unfortunately, i don't expect certain clashes to suddenly disappear but they should resolve more quickly with less long-term upset. This is good. Part of me wants permanent resolution but that just doesn't work in the emotional world, much to my continued and apoplectic dismay. So be it. Somethings are meant to be messy and are, in fact, better for it and be mindful thereof.

This weekend? Chicago. Saturday train rides into the meat of the city. Wandering, a museum or two, and an excellent dinner. Sunday we see Wicked and then hope hard for a smooth drive home. I'm rather excited. I miss Chicago.

Real cities. One day Madison may be one. But it would fall into the lakes.


They are my natural enemy.

Current Mood: hopeful hopeful

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Comments
nathan_lounge From: nathan_lounge Date: December 17th, 2008 03:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
You sure to write a lot without revealing the good bits.

Having so much time to think this year has me thinking about the whole family:holidays relationship. I'm a bit bummed there's very little planned for Christmas day this year.

As for gifts, I've often found the disconnect is in expectation. If someone expects a gift, then they have some kind of concept built up in their brains about what the gift may be. Then the giver is in a position to either fail, meet, or exceed said expectation. If you give a gift to someone who isn't expecting it, then it's a win for everyone. I've tried to eliminate the expectation of reception from most of my relationships. This includes my family, whom I rarely exchange gifts with.

Can you explain more about "acquisition"?
abmann From: abmann Date: December 17th, 2008 03:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
Well, I don't want to be specific as some people that read me may not want top know the details of my sordid, polyamorous lifestyle.

I have plans to eat roast and watch fun shows with friends on the 25th. You should drive up and join us. Do you like Supernatural (a show)?

In my mind seeking leads to acquisition and I don't separate the two. So I'm trying to learn the different between seeking something and acquiring something. More specifically, requesting what I would like from someone is different than getting. The act of asking has its own benefits and draw-backs irrespective of the answer. It's a poly thing - asking for what you want because you can't expect others to give you want you want of they don't know what you want.
nathan_lounge From: nathan_lounge Date: December 17th, 2008 06:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
Whateve's. If they can't stand the heat, they should stay out of the bedroom.

I've never seen Supernatural. Worth watching?

So is that to say that you're in a constant state of consuming? Like pacman, you're running around life-maze trying to acquire all the dots, but the seeking and the acquiring are happening at the same time?

I often have trouble properly formulating a question because the formulation of the question almost always necessarily implies the conception of the answer. For example: "What do I want to be when I grow up?" actually, necessarily implies a disposition. That is, I desire "to be" or rather, I desire to change or become. To answer it then, one is forced to assess the state of the existence of the asker and then formulate a new state of existence that is both different but transitionable. So, if an isotope (U234) asked the question, then the answer (U233) is necessarily implied by the formulation for the question. But, if you actually don't know if you want to commit that far; say, for instance, you don't know that you want to change or you are actually content but looking for some kind of explanation of your options in reference to the self, then maybe you mean to asking something like "Who am I?". Of course there becomes a semantic problem of knowing in a dynamic linguistic system.
abmann From: abmann Date: December 17th, 2008 06:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
WELL, as much as I want to be a giant pie-headed, dot-eater... It's more that I've rarely been stopped from getting things that I want. I want a DVD, say, I tend to just buy it because I frequently have the room in my budget to do so. So I don't distinguish the different acts that are finding and acquiring. Make more sense?

To put it another way, I'm spoiled. It's a weird experience when you apply this to relationships, polyamorous or otherwise. Not to say I throw a fit for having to wait; I like to think that I'm more evolved that that. in fact, waiting recently has built some very nice anticipatory tinglies.

I don't think asking a question implies a disposition unless you're expecting a specific answer type. If someone asks you what you want to be when you grow up and you answer "a tree" or "I don't want to be anything" or whatnot, it implies your disposition to the question; it does not necessarily conform to the expected disposition. Answers do not necessarily need to follow the implied disposition, I think.

I would say that societal context affects our expected answers in that traditionally one offers a vocation objective in the latter case: a fireman; a police officer. So, in this case, asking the question in America has certain expectations associated with it.

nathan_lounge From: nathan_lounge Date: December 17th, 2008 06:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
BTW, I like this icon better than the creepy sitting in the chair for your new default.
ardoise_vide From: ardoise_vide Date: December 17th, 2008 03:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
this year we're doing $10 gifts for the immediate fam (mom, dad, brother/sister-in-law) and i'm not doing anything for anyone else. mostly because i can't afford it. at all. which sucks. but there it is. i wish i could give people practical, useful things that they could utilize. like maid service or a roomba or an unlimited supply of pet food.

i hate lacking funds!
abmann From: abmann Date: December 17th, 2008 03:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm really bad at reigning in my spending. :/
ardoise_vide From: ardoise_vide Date: December 17th, 2008 05:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
it's easier when you have nothing to spend. :)
(Deleted comment)
abmann From: abmann Date: December 17th, 2008 04:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
Such is the problem with Chicago - too much good food. I'd eat at every restaurant in Greek town every time I went had I the cash.

Christmas light photography is hella fun. :)
Stave off the darkness
nathan_lounge From: nathan_lounge Date: December 17th, 2008 06:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
You still haven't gone to all the restaurants I told you to go to. It's like you don't even care.
abmann From: abmann Date: December 17th, 2008 06:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
BECAUSE I AM NOT MADE OUT OF MONEY.
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