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Portrait of a Young Man as The Artist
abmann
abmann
I want to be a runner - After a run

After a run
Originally uploaded by ABMann
ABMann.net
In my ever expanding quest to be what I want to be and actually, you know, like who I am (which has been especially bad recently), I started running again last Saturday.

I'm hoping that, since I'm terrible at it, it is painful, and it takes ridiculous amounts of willpower to do it, it will help me lose weight faster and increase my endurance. The other aerobic exercises I've tried don't seem to do much anymore and I can't even motivate myself to work harder at them.

Sure, I recognize that doing something I distinctly dislike and have to work hard to want to do is counter-intuitive but it seems to help me. It's a challenge to turn something I dislike so much into something I enjoy and do regularly. It sorta worked with general exercise but there I had the obvious reinforcement of losing 70 pounds.

To help note progress, I registered at Mapmyrun.com that brgdt introduced me to. It's kind of neat though I wish it recognized parks and street curves better.
My run today.
I inadvertently did 4.25 miles today but only about 3 of it was real running. I bargained with myself to run home and decided that High Point Estates would be my rest period. I made it most of the way to Dewberry before I stopped again. Then I died.

Where the fuck was my runner's high? I have NEVER had one and I think I earned it this time. Jerk.

Came home. Ate breakfast. Read lots of running articles because I stick to things better when I immerse myself in them.

Anyone seen these? I LOVE the concept but having just bought new running shoes from Fleet Feet (wow, great people) I can't justify them in any way. But the idea resonates with me.

Lastly, why were you born with bare feet?


I really wanted to post this first as the above was the first entry in a series, and hopefully, a recurring reminder to me. I'm actually considering a separate LJ for it to track so I don't force this on anyone. The vague anonymity would be nice to complain about exercise, body image and eating habits. But I'd be less likely to update that there. Maybe get a little notebook to track it day-to-day. That could work.

I have a lot of cognitive dissonance about who I am versus who I want to be. I want to be or do certain things and, to some degree have achieved a number of goals but some have always been elusive. Subsequently, I get discontent. It came to a head recently when I realized I don't really like myself via concerns about loneliness adn friendship.

So, I figured I should finally just write a list of things I want to be that I don't think I am.
  • I want to be thin.
  • I want to be a runner.
  • I want to be an artist.
  • I want to be a healthy eater.
  • I want to be an avid reader.
  • I want to be frugal spender.

    Some of these things I have been or am close to but I don't think I am any of them.


    

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