The Piecemeal Man (abmann) wrote,
The Piecemeal Man
abmann

  • Mood:

No happiness contained herein.


I'm sorry if this offends anyone.

I'm moving in less than a week. I am leaving behind 4 years of my life and going somewhere slightly new. I'm frightened because there is so much work to be done, packing and packing and packing. I so worried about money that I couldn't sleep last night. I have movers coming and I have to pay them. Do you know how hard it is to rely on someone I don't even know, especially when I'm paying them $80 an hour? For all I know they'll "get lost" on teir way to Beloit and end up charging my other arm off. I'm incurring more expenses and I haven't proven to myself that I can function with a budget. i spend so easily and screw myself so hard. I don't even own a couch.

Then there's the new area. I have no friends in Madison, and the only people I know are at work. I'm so socially inept that I don't know how to transition this jovialness I share with them at work to a friendship that extends beyond work's walls. Then there's this new LJ group I've found. Like 15 people that live in Madison and they seem pretty cool. They're part of a scene I want to get into. but, they're already there. I feel like I'm encroaching on their territory simply by moving here and commenting in their journals. This is more of that social ineptness crap. I'm paranoid of frightening the only contacts I've made. So, what happens when I run into them at a club? I feel like I'm going to get attacked out of their turf.

Then there's Fox's money situation. She gets bills every two days and doesn't have a job yet. How is she going to afford the move? I feel so horrible bringing her along with me. i feel I've unduly manipulated her into moving to a new area, where she has no security. I can't support her. I'm convinced I can't support myself. This money trap, green and evil at sunset, is driving me insane. Security deposits. Movers. Food. Why is food so expensive.

I'm torn. My father's side of my personality is telling me that such changes are a bad idea. I should be happy with waha I have. 2 hours a day in a car. No social life. Television. I have television. And Lj. My only social interaction is LJ and that is starting to get to me. I want people to interact, but I'm making my journal as obfuscated and twisted as possible so people don't understand. And I get pissed when there aren't comments? Aloofness is a disease - No wonder no one wants to extend a handshake.

My Mother tells me to let go. Why can't I?

So I'm stuck. I have to pack my entire house my friday night, and still work, and then I need to find friends, and then I need to get my money in order, and I need to stop pissing people off. I need to not come of so needy. I need.. fuck it. I keep on this track, I'm going to be useless.

I just want a real life.
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