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No happiness contained herein. - Portrait of a Young Man as The Artist — LiveJournal
No happiness contained herein.

I'm sorry if this offends anyone.

I'm moving in less than a week. I am leaving behind 4 years of my life and going somewhere slightly new. I'm frightened because there is so much work to be done, packing and packing and packing. I so worried about money that I couldn't sleep last night. I have movers coming and I have to pay them. Do you know how hard it is to rely on someone I don't even know, especially when I'm paying them $80 an hour? For all I know they'll "get lost" on teir way to Beloit and end up charging my other arm off. I'm incurring more expenses and I haven't proven to myself that I can function with a budget. i spend so easily and screw myself so hard. I don't even own a couch.

Then there's the new area. I have no friends in Madison, and the only people I know are at work. I'm so socially inept that I don't know how to transition this jovialness I share with them at work to a friendship that extends beyond work's walls. Then there's this new LJ group I've found. Like 15 people that live in Madison and they seem pretty cool. They're part of a scene I want to get into. but, they're already there. I feel like I'm encroaching on their territory simply by moving here and commenting in their journals. This is more of that social ineptness crap. I'm paranoid of frightening the only contacts I've made. So, what happens when I run into them at a club? I feel like I'm going to get attacked out of their turf.

Then there's Fox's money situation. She gets bills every two days and doesn't have a job yet. How is she going to afford the move? I feel so horrible bringing her along with me. i feel I've unduly manipulated her into moving to a new area, where she has no security. I can't support her. I'm convinced I can't support myself. This money trap, green and evil at sunset, is driving me insane. Security deposits. Movers. Food. Why is food so expensive.

I'm torn. My father's side of my personality is telling me that such changes are a bad idea. I should be happy with waha I have. 2 hours a day in a car. No social life. Television. I have television. And Lj. My only social interaction is LJ and that is starting to get to me. I want people to interact, but I'm making my journal as obfuscated and twisted as possible so people don't understand. And I get pissed when there aren't comments? Aloofness is a disease - No wonder no one wants to extend a handshake.

My Mother tells me to let go. Why can't I?

So I'm stuck. I have to pack my entire house my friday night, and still work, and then I need to find friends, and then I need to get my money in order, and I need to stop pissing people off. I need to not come of so needy. I need.. fuck it. I keep on this track, I'm going to be useless.

I just want a real life.

Current Mood: scared scared

7 comments or Leave a comment
beloitst From: beloitst Date: August 24th, 2004 08:41 am (UTC) (Link)
Moving is scary. It's lonely, at least for a bit. It sucks, and there's always more crap you need than you can afford.

It's all right to be afraid, but don't let it paralyze you. Everyone is afraid, and at our hearts, we're usually afraid of the same things.

You can't let fear win. Just do what needs to be done, even if you're afraid. It'll become easier with time.
abmann From: abmann Date: August 24th, 2004 09:09 am (UTC) (Link)
It's not that I'm letting fear win. I'm just getting this out there because it's fucking my REM. Part of me always nkows that it'll work out - I have yet to have a situation not work out. This entire job, for instance.
madolan From: madolan Date: August 24th, 2004 09:05 am (UTC) (Link)
That's a hard place to be in, no doubt.

In general terms, recall how much larger and more vibrant Madison is. It's difficult to pull up roots and resettle, but this is a good town with good people and infinite variety. There will be joy here, even if it's a little uneven at first.

Money worries are the worst thing I know. I've been dirt poor, living on Ramen and water, and I've been in massive debt without a way out. I say there's nothing worse than being poor. Knowing that is making me better at budgeting and learning how my money works. It's a slow process but I think we eventually learn what we have to know out of necessity.

As for social fears... I'm the most solitary hibernating person I've ever met, so I'm a bad font of wisdom. I get my socialization from LJ so I don't have to leave my room to see people. But over time I've started meeting more and more good people at work, and obviously you're going to have to participate in some poetry slams and stuff. You'll meet people. There are places to go and things to do. It's probably going to suck at first, yeah. It often does. But it WILL get better. Madison is a town full of love and open appreciation for its people.
graye From: graye Date: August 24th, 2004 10:15 am (UTC) (Link)
I concur.

From: graye Date: August 24th, 2004 10:18 am (UTC) (Link)
Well, in all seriousness, I'd advise not fretting about the endless font of challenges ahead of you. There's ALWAYS an endless string of challenges to be faced. That's life.

Remember the immortal words of Charles Emmerson Winchester the Third (a la M.A.S.H.):

"I do one thing at a time, I do it well, and then I move on to the next thing."

Plan out what you've got to get done, and then focus on the things you need to get done immediately. Worry abuot the other things when the time has come to deal with them.

Dealing with every problem you have at the same time will give anybody a breakdown.
lerite From: lerite Date: August 24th, 2004 01:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
All those people up there prolly left really insightful advice.

Mine's much smaller.

My brother's friends and gaming group are all going off to college at the end of the week. He's five years younger than you are, but he gamed with my friends when we were in high school and he's a really cool person and a mature kid. And he lives in Madison and has regular access to a car. And his dad works at Epic.

His LJ name is alaman. You should drop him a line.
lady_fox From: lady_fox Date: August 24th, 2004 01:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
And just FYI, you did NOT unduly manipulate me into moving. I will be fine. Going to get a job within a week, whether it's good, bad or ugly. As I've said before, don't worry about me. I love that you do though, it means you care. *hug*
7 comments or Leave a comment