Slept terribly last night. I kept having dreams about Molly getting out and attacking Electra and not hearing it because I was sleeping with ear plugs. I seem to sleep poorly, at least this is a trend I've noted, when I go to bed without Fox who didn't get home until...? 3am? I don't know. It was late. It was dark.
She's really happy today after a rendez-vous with Graydancer. On the bright side, she's happy. On the dark side (Luke I am your father) I didn't make her happy which is hard to accept and understand. Most of my happiness in a relationship ius knowing that I am making the other person happy. These last few weeks I've been making everyone I live with miserable which, in turn, makes me more miserable. It's a bad cycle and pushes everyone away when I need it. But this isn't the point.
What I'm grappling with is not being worried when Fox comes home and is happier after being with someone else. In my mind, I think that I've become obsolete. If she's happier after being with a different person, why stay with me? There are dozens of non-happiness related objective issues that keep Fox around but few seem to have little to do with me. So I'm left wondering why our relationship remains as strong as I think (wonder if it's a strong as I think) even though I haven't made her happy in what seems like months. As I've seen in my relationship with Aetrix, she wants absolutely nothing to do with me when I'm unhappy or not making her happy.
This poly thing is about being happier rather than just plain old happy. So ultimately it's a good thing that being with Gray makes her happy. I question my want to make people happy as something that makes me happy - assuming this is true and I'm not deluding myself (I have questioned tis recently too) - because entangled in all this is an older notion of one person being enough for another. I've always preferred working towards other's happiness than my own because it generally kept the relationship going. Granted, in my first relationship I was thrust into a fake-poly status where she was sleeping with others but didn't actually want me sleeping with other people.
Perhaps it's an artifact of that? Perhaps I'm still holding on outmoted notions? The alternative seems to be focusing on what I want or what we want in a relationship, which seems oddly self-ish. This may just be me attempting to dissuade the action because I feel weak or guilty or stupid asking for what I want from someone. Which is ridiculous. And I understand that on an intellectual level. When I'm happier I do ask for things but never everything, I always hold back for any number of reasons.
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I suppose I feel selfish if I'm not doing what other people want. What's worse, I think ,is that when I do ask for something and get shot down. This has happened in both relationships which is causing anger and resentment. With Fox most of it is miscellaneous activities. She and I do very well with the general affect and reassurance. With Aetrix.. well, she's like me in this wayt, but she doesn't like to actively say "I love you" rather saying "You know I do" when I ask. I don't think she's ever said she loved me when I've asked, actually. That is upsetting for a number of reasons: fears of inadequacy, unrequited emotions, fear of abandonment, fear of disapproval, respect etc. All wrapped in a thin candy shell.
Much of my current anxiety, fear and anger, I think, is stemming from not knowing that I'm important or loved in either of my relationships, not knowing that I can ask for things and that they want to provide them. After all, why are they with me if it isn't true? Though this may be self-evident, I need to be reminded. We all</all> need to be reminded.
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--- Resume at 10:38
I seem to have lost the original track of tis. Fox is happier which theoretically is good. It's OK that she's made happy by someone else and that doesn't mean I am worth less. hat's important to remember. She isn't going to leave me, from whatr I understand. That she was willing to reassure me this morning is evidence to that.
Now, if I could just sleep fine by my self, everything would be peachy.