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MANLY cooking. - Portrait of a Young Man as The Artist — LiveJournal
abmann
abmann
MANLY cooking.
Dear reader,

There comes a time when all you have in your fridge is delicate, girlie things. That cake you forgot to send mom on Mother's Day. Those fruits your ex-girlfriend threw at you when she found you in bed with her sister. I'm here to show you how to redeem yourself and make those foods MANLY.


MEN FAT FRY


Every man knows how to make a coating. If yo don't, you better send your man card back in. Ever man knows from birth how to make a damn MANLY fry coating. Make a manly coating. Use Cheyenne Pepper and Salt, lots of salt, and paprika - yeah, paprika is DAMN MANLY, especially if it is hungarian. Hungarian paprika is so many that it has three testicles. That's right. Three.

Take your girlie food and coat it. Twice.

Then, take that girlie food and torture it in 350 degree oil.

Don't you dare touch that girlie food until it screams, about 5 minutes. Turn it over and give it 7 minutes just to show it what's what.

When your done, reach in there with your manly man hands and grab that girlie food and put it on a rack. Eating girlie food right out of the pan is girlie! It burns your mouth and you can't taste the manliness you created.

Watch that fat soak into the food. Watch it it get manlier for 5 minutes.


Then. Take some cheddar cheese and grate it on your stubble because real men are stubbly. You see the top of that still-kinda-girlie food? Yeah? Put the damn cheese on it. Keep doing it until you shoot up six cholesterol points then add another brick!


Next, we're going to cheat your doctor. Take something green. Put it next to your cheese pile. Can you eat it? No? GOOD. Science shows that green stuff is healthy but doesn't have to be eaten. LOOK IT UP. I used some rancid lettuce. I'm so manly, I kill vegetables.


You know what else is manly? PAIN. Pain is really manly. Drench your cheese pile in something spicy. In fact, pour yourself a glass of that spicy shit to go along with your food. That's extra painful and means you're more MANLY.


Take a big damn bite out of your MAN PILE. Relish in the pain and the fat and the cholesterol. Take a good long look at the inside of that food. That food is no longer girlie. The fat and oil and spice and cheese have taken that girlie food and beat the extra arm off a chromosome. It's MAN FOOD.


Enjoy your conquest, Mr. Man. Eat and revel in your manliness.

Tags: ,
Current Mood: stressed MANLY

25 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
suburbaknght From: suburbaknght Date: May 11th, 2006 02:33 am (UTC) (Link)
I've never been as proud to be your friend as at this very moment.
abmann From: abmann Date: May 11th, 2006 12:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
I knew you'd approve. :)
spitefairy From: spitefairy Date: May 11th, 2006 02:35 am (UTC) (Link)
I hope you're using KOSHER salt.
abmann From: abmann Date: May 11th, 2006 12:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
Big salt crystals means you're betting less salt pound for pound. That's less MANLY.
spitefairy From: spitefairy Date: May 12th, 2006 07:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
Alton Brown will be DISPLEASED!
abmann From: abmann Date: May 12th, 2006 07:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
It doesn't make me less right. :P
spitefairy From: spitefairy Date: May 12th, 2006 07:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
Lies! You're just trying to put the jew salt down.
abmann From: abmann Date: May 12th, 2006 07:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
I like the jews fine. They're only less MANLY. Just ask their wives.
spitefairy From: spitefairy Date: May 12th, 2006 07:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
Nothing is MANLIER than a dash of giant salt crystals in a MANLY wound.
abmann From: abmann Date: May 12th, 2006 07:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
I don't see how wounds apply here unless they're from frying your own hand.

Just because it's big doesn't mean it's manly when quantity is considered. Sure, you can have a manly BIG penis, but many penises is more manly.
spitefairy From: spitefairy Date: May 12th, 2006 07:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
I was playing word association, salt>wound.

But what if you just have a colony of 1 inchers? That's less MANLY and more .....the x-man who gets left behind.
(Deleted comment)
abmann From: abmann Date: May 11th, 2006 12:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
Girly food will kill ya faster.
(Deleted comment)
abmann From: abmann Date: May 11th, 2006 12:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
'Specially those southern belles.
rianwyn From: rianwyn Date: May 11th, 2006 10:44 am (UTC) (Link)
I can't tell if I don't like you anymore... or maybe like you twice as much.

I think that it depends on the next concoction.
abmann From: abmann Date: May 11th, 2006 12:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
Imagine your ambivalence were I to own a deep fat fryer.
rianwyn From: rianwyn Date: May 11th, 2006 03:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
*nose scrunchie*
abmann From: abmann Date: May 11th, 2006 03:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
zesty_pinto From: zesty_pinto Date: May 11th, 2006 01:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
What, no beer? Or do you have it with a flagon of wine?

Actually, I thought you were going to fat fry the hell out of that old fruit. Pity.

But of course the best thing about manly cooking is that when you're done, you can filter out the oil and feed your manly diesel engine with it!
abmann From: abmann Date: May 11th, 2006 01:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
Flagons are reserved for Mead! The MANLIEST of brews!
sculplady From: sculplady Date: May 11th, 2006 01:05 pm (UTC) (Link)

mmm...fat...

I think you may be getting a visit from Homer Simpson soon...
abmann From: abmann Date: May 11th, 2006 01:12 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: mmm...fat...

I'll fat fry him too. :)
aetrix9 From: aetrix9 Date: May 11th, 2006 01:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
Wow. You made my sides _and_ my insides hurt. I'm impressed.

Saturday for Girlie food? I was going to make salmon en croute and pommes anne, with a spinach salad. (Just you wait... It'll be the MANLIEST food ever!)
abmann From: abmann Date: May 11th, 2006 01:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
You trying to make me a sissy?
aetrix9 From: aetrix9 Date: May 11th, 2006 02:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hrumpth...

I think I can quote you as saying, "Real men wear pink."

abmann From: abmann Date: May 11th, 2006 02:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
I KNOW NOT OF WHAT YOU SPEAK!!!
25 comments or Leave a comment