The Piecemeal Man (abmann) wrote,
The Piecemeal Man

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MANLY cooking.

Dear reader,

There comes a time when all you have in your fridge is delicate, girlie things. That cake you forgot to send mom on Mother's Day. Those fruits your ex-girlfriend threw at you when she found you in bed with her sister. I'm here to show you how to redeem yourself and make those foods MANLY.


Every man knows how to make a coating. If yo don't, you better send your man card back in. Ever man knows from birth how to make a damn MANLY fry coating. Make a manly coating. Use Cheyenne Pepper and Salt, lots of salt, and paprika - yeah, paprika is DAMN MANLY, especially if it is hungarian. Hungarian paprika is so many that it has three testicles. That's right. Three.

Take your girlie food and coat it. Twice.

Then, take that girlie food and torture it in 350 degree oil.

Don't you dare touch that girlie food until it screams, about 5 minutes. Turn it over and give it 7 minutes just to show it what's what.

When your done, reach in there with your manly man hands and grab that girlie food and put it on a rack. Eating girlie food right out of the pan is girlie! It burns your mouth and you can't taste the manliness you created.

Watch that fat soak into the food. Watch it it get manlier for 5 minutes.

Then. Take some cheddar cheese and grate it on your stubble because real men are stubbly. You see the top of that still-kinda-girlie food? Yeah? Put the damn cheese on it. Keep doing it until you shoot up six cholesterol points then add another brick!

Next, we're going to cheat your doctor. Take something green. Put it next to your cheese pile. Can you eat it? No? GOOD. Science shows that green stuff is healthy but doesn't have to be eaten. LOOK IT UP. I used some rancid lettuce. I'm so manly, I kill vegetables.

You know what else is manly? PAIN. Pain is really manly. Drench your cheese pile in something spicy. In fact, pour yourself a glass of that spicy shit to go along with your food. That's extra painful and means you're more MANLY.

Take a big damn bite out of your MAN PILE. Relish in the pain and the fat and the cholesterol. Take a good long look at the inside of that food. That food is no longer girlie. The fat and oil and spice and cheese have taken that girlie food and beat the extra arm off a chromosome. It's MAN FOOD.

Enjoy your conquest, Mr. Man. Eat and revel in your manliness.
Tags: cooking, manly
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