The Piecemeal Man (abmann) wrote,
The Piecemeal Man


So.... lady_fox and I saw Ultraviolet tonight.

Yes, we saw that movie. On opening night. On an opening Friday night.
The following is a spoilerific review in my normal nonlinear fashion.

It was frighteningly bad. And yes, we were expecting it to be bad. We went to see it because Milla Jovovich is really fucking hot.

This movie was Equlibrium meets Tank Girl. They have sex, produce a gorgeous baby with all the physical ability of Mr. Universe and absolutely no sense of humor. You know why it was Equilibrium meets Tank Girl? Because Kurt Wimmer wrote and directed both Equilibrium and Ultraviolet. No wonder that the action scenes looked frickin identical between the two. Milla Jovovich was doing fucking Gun Katas the entire time, ducking and weaving like an epileptic Japanese. I would like to note that Kurt Wimmer has directed a third film which I'd like to see, except that it takes place in the present before Gun Katas were taught to every Dick and Jane Q Publicasswhooper. Maybe there's some archaic Gun Kwan Do, or hilarious Gun Fu.

Regardless. It's a comic book movie so there needs to be some leeway for the action. Sure, it'll get a little bizarre, like random gravitational shifting so you can ride a bike on building for a good 15 minutes. It happens, in fact in Ultraviolet issue... was it 1 or 6? Oh, no I remember. ultraviolet was never a comic book. I believe Sony films just said it was to buy into the shiney money pig that comic book movies hae become in the last few years. Oops. Guess they didn't expect someone to Google "Ultraviolet comic book." Holy brain drain, Batman??!! So, not a comic book movie, just supposed to be like a comic book.

The movie has a fantastic introduction of both the character and the world. Ultraviolet lives in a supertech worlld. We can tell because the buildings are really tall adn there's no grass anywhere, because grass is unforgivably lowtech. There's a good 3 minutes where Violet removes her bike helmet and jacket where it is erevealed she has really nifty technology that allows her to change her hair color adn clothing color at completely arbitrary moments. I know it's Incredibly High Tech because there's cracks of electricity as her hair changes from lack to violet and back to black. Ok, ya got me. Those flickers were neat and I like hair color changes and clothing changes. Problematically, they never change her hair color again. Sure, her clothes change. Through out the next 20 minutes her clothes change every time she enters a room that has a predominant color, which in this twenty minutes is every single room. Apparently the future contains Really Tall Buildings and only primary colors. So... her outfit changes depending on the room color? Like a chameleon? Ok, that's kinda cool and useful.

Well, not really. The twenty minutes of cool ends. She goes from a yellow room to a white room to a black room but stays yellow. Now, I'm pretty sure the outfit can do tose colors, I mean it was black in the beginning... Whatever, there's an alarm and ass-kicking happening. Sweet! Kick ass! Pull swords out of your ovaries!

Ovaries? Huh? Yeah, she had "flat space technology" so she could hide stuff in her body, which apparently must be her vagina. Vaginas are, afterall, flat-ish. Ok, so her crotch is a bag of holding. Whatever. Kick more ass. The fights, though gun kata like, were pretty damn good. The director has a pretty decent grasp of katana fights... until he decides that it's cool to hold the katana upside down.. . 'cuz if your so good, you can ignore any and all good fighting technique. Holy fuck, she just chopped of ten heads with one swing! Cool!

Wait... the action stopped. Oh. Exposition. It's he sign of a damn good writer when he can pack a ton of information into into as little time as possible, like Matrix 2 you see. THat way you can get to the action faster. Pretty savvy...

Then she gets back on her bike. Did you know that ever building in the future will have ramps on it just in case you want to flee from hlicopters on top of a city? It's true. I was wondering why the hell an architecht would include jump ramps for motorcycle chases on each wall of a building, but it dawned on me. This world is so progressive that it wants to make leaping-from-a-building suicide wheel chair accessible. That's very progressive.

The movie progresses like this. 20 minutes of action, 5 minutes of plot exposition. I'll summarize the plot.

Sexy chick arrives. Enters weird religious headquarters. Get's Important Package. Kills the fuck out of people. Flees on bike on verticle walls. Vampires take package (I shit you not). Package contains boy. Boy contains anti-vampire plague. Chick kills some shit, saves boy. Boy analyzed by geek-pire, not full of doom. Boy full of HUMAN doom, not vampire doom. Boy dies in 8 hours. Go to bed. Chick kills some shit runs away with boy. Boy is Big Bad's son. Chick kills some shit. Geek-pire finds scrawl from boy on his notebook. Girl kills some shit for notebook graffitti. Good guys go to a park. Big Bad reveals plot, kills boy on merry-go-round. Girl cries on boy, kills some shit, gets killed. Deus Ex Machina. Girl kills some shit. Lights katana on fire, kills big bad. Boy wakes up 'cuz her tears nuetralized the doom. End?

Note that each "kills some shit" section is at least 15 minutes long and the other stuff tops out at 5. The movie is about 2 hours long. Why there was Vampirism, I'll never know because they don't explain it.

I'm not going to talk about the acting. There was either whispering or fast paced semi-yelling, no acting.

BUT. The fight scenes were so fucking cool. Like whoa cool. I mean, headslicing, exploding armour fucking cool. Sure, there could have been dynamic hair color shit killing fight scenes, but whateva. Flaming katanas. FLAMING KATANAS.

Aside from the shitty plot with holes as big as infinity, besides not using the coolest effect but once, besides hiring robots to act, besides the VAMPIRES, besides the stupid kid, the movie was so damn bad that I loved it. LOVED IT.

It was like the DnD movie times 10 in stupidity. They crossed the threshold of bad right back into awesome from sheer idiocy and incompetency. I was groaing right along with the audience adn laughing at the serious parts, like when the main character and the boy were killed in the park because they wanted to have some random familial fun?

Heh. Gun Katas. Oh man, I so can't wait for the director commentary!
Tags: movies
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