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Post-occupational release. - Portrait of a Young Man as The Artist — LiveJournal
abmann
abmann
Post-occupational release.
Sitting in a coffee shop, waiting for deep_blue_ (I feel naked without my custome LJ name generator). Feeling very out of it but I have a double cappuccino to keep my cheer. Out of it. What the hell is it, really? I feel tired. I have a minor headache. I am apprehensive over seeing Blue after two weeks. Is that strange?

And I'm struck :) Is it strange to see the 3rd woman with whom I'm (sort of) involved after having a date with the second woman with whom I'm involved while my primary is off to meet a potential 3rd. Do you see, people? Do you understand how weird my life can be on a daily basis? Now the 5 people that added me last week are cocking eyebrows...

Today was just.. I've officially starting doing team lead-y type things. I'm 23. I've been out of college 17 months and I'm leading people at my job. That's surreal and shall continue to be so for a while yet. I digress, I gave projects to someone today. I love how natural delegation feels. To me, delegation is still being able to go home at 4pm. It is a ncessary function to performe. Delegation is like breathing, you see. Were I not to delegate (nearly split that infinitive) I would be consumed by my job. This is unacceptable. I am, in fact, considering putting in a request for another QAer for my team. With all the weird managerial things I must do, I get less time to do the job for which I was hired.

Tough, I'm finding today that I get starved for "real work" (here defined as log testing - if this makes no sense, I can explain in comments). I spent about three hours this morning writing emails, filling out spreadsheets (I dreamt about them again last night) and finally (FINALLY) finding all the TL classes I need to take, which are offered next month. Good I'll be trained early for the job I'm already doing.... But the moment I started testing, I was gone. I posted around 11 today about all the notes I wrote in a short span. It kept going, really. By the time the day was over I'd written a dozen notes and finished testing 4 logs. This is pretty good.

It gave the day a surreal quality, as if data were flowing through me as I worked. I feel like a hub for my team, which I am. However, I didn't realive becoming a TL would include a near immediate parallax. Clearly, I function differently than before. I feel connected to the rest of the company in a wildly different fashion. It is, well, empowering.

I feel surreal because of it. However, I do not like that I'm speding so much time writing about work and how it is changing things. aetrix9 last night asked me how I compartmentalize myself from work so that I can be myself outside. I don't know how I do it and recently, I'm wondering if I still do. I'm worried, as apparent given my sleeping patterns as of late, that the distinction is breaking. I do not want work leaking into my non-work time.

I am me at work, work is something I do but work does not color my life outside of work. At least, it didn't. This was when I was sleeping better, though.

Perhaps meeting with Blue tonight is surreal because I'm off kilter, a little sleep deprived, a little srtessed. Maybe it's because I know she spent the last week getting lots of nasty sex with her primary and she still wants to see me tonight. Maybe I'm just hungry. Maybe I'm just horny or jonsing for a reall bad gyro right now. I don't think I can tell at the moment.

When I'm tired I can't divorce myself from my body, my emergent emotion. Because I can't step out of this, I lose the ability to trace influences, to find causes for my current state of awareness. I find this aggravating because I pride myself on these abilities. I am baser; I am more flawed in this state, so close to a reactive human rather than level-headed, self regulating? Self conscious in the "I'm aware way".. something else? Maybe. I feel imperfect like this, not to say I'm perfect now.

In fact, I bet I know many people that would argue that this is a better state. And then I"d argue back because it's easy to take the bait than smile and say "no." Am I even making sense? I don't think I am.

hat I do think is that I'm sounding even more self involved than normal. I'm perfect? Huh?
I only say that because I'm wearing pink.

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6 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
nathan_lounge From: nathan_lounge Date: October 25th, 2005 01:21 am (UTC) (Link)
A little realized fact:

There are very few poor philosophers. I mean, historically speaking. Those that spent some signficant portion of their life dedicated to pursuing a greater understanding of themselves and the world around them were well sustained through a variety of means. You had your trust-fund kids, you had your math guys and you inventor/scientists. Introspection of a grand nature tends to come when every other desire has been satisfied.

Not that this necessarily has anything to do with anything you wrote here, it's just what I thought about as I was reading it.

Remember how all those people wanted you to be president of BSFFA back in the day? You've always had the potential to lead. I'm glad you've come to a place in life that has you doing it. You'll be grand.
lady_fox From: lady_fox Date: October 25th, 2005 02:34 am (UTC) (Link)
I absolutely agree.
abmann From: abmann Date: October 25th, 2005 12:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
I ran for pres and lost, remember?
nathan_lounge From: nathan_lounge Date: October 25th, 2005 03:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
That was a year later dude, after you removed yourself from the community.
aetrix9 From: aetrix9 Date: October 25th, 2005 02:17 pm (UTC) (Link)

Not just me...

abmann From: abmann Date: October 25th, 2005 04:31 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Not just me...

What would you like me to do?
It is an inconsistent problem. It happens to me on other's blogs but not in mine.
6 comments or Leave a comment