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Portrait of a Young Man as The Artist
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 STAR WARS: EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH: THE ABRIDGED 
                           SCRIPT™

                       By Rod Hilton



FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE

Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera
chasing wildly behind them in a way that only computer
generated scenes can show. We see that they have EWAN
MCGREGOR and HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN in them.

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            I can hardly tell who is shooting
            who in this dizzying space battle
            sequence!

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            Yeah, it's pretty confusing.

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            No, I mean literally dizzying!
                 (vomits)

They fly toward CHRISTOPHER LEE'S SHIP so they can rescue
SUPREME CHANCELLOR IAN MCDIARMID.

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            Oh no, the hangar has shields up!

HAYDEN shoots something next to the shield and they
deactivate.

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            The thing that powers the shield is
            on the outside of the ship?

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It'd be
            like a life support system being in
            a box on someone's chest.

They land inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            I sure am enjoying the feeling of
            brotherly camaraderie between us.

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the
            sort of thing that should have been
            in the last film. Oh well, at least
            there were scenes of me rolling
            around in the grass.

They make their way toward CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN
MCDIARMID, using the help of R2D2, who uses his rockets to
fly again, in spite of everyone trying so hard to forget
that ever happened. They find IAN.

                       IAN MCDIARMID
            Help me! I am trapped in a
            comfortable chair overlooking all of
            the destruction I have wrought!

Suddenly, CHRISTOPHER LEE enters.

                      CHRISTOPHER LEE
            I have been waiting a long time for
            a rematch. Now, you will have to
            face a stunt double with my face
            pasted on!

They DUEL. CHRISTOPHER LEE easily dispatches EWAN. HAYDEN
fights him and eventually KILLS him.

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
                 (furrowing his brow)
            Wow, that was it for Christopher
            Lee, huh? Seems almost pointless to
            have killed Darth Maul and
            introduced him in the first place.

HAYDEN, EWAN, and IAN all begin to leave, but they are
CAPTURED and brought before GENERAL GREVIOUS, A ROBOTIC
SKELETON.

                      GENERAL GREVIOUS
                 (coughing)
            I will now add your lightsabers to
            my collection of Star Wars
            memorabilia.

He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S STAR WARS LUNCH BOX
WITH THERMOS NO RESERVE!!

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            Artoo, freak the hell obnoxiously!

He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for EWAN to get
his LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an
OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THAT GREVIOUS IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.

                      GENERAL GREVIOUS
                 (coughing and wheezing)
            I will run like a coward, further
            failing to illustrate how
            intimidating my character is meant
            to be!

HAYDEN crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE.
There is MILD CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by NATALIE
PORTMAN, the linchpin of HAYDEN'S turn to the dark side.

                      NATALIE PORTMAN
                 (yawning)
            Hayden, I'm pregnant.

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
                 (furrowing his brow)
            How can you be sure?

                      NATALIE PORTMAN
            Because in a minute or two I'll
            actually be showing. Really.

We cut to HAYDEN having a nightmare about NATALIE giving
birth to a GUNGAN. NATALIE is visibly pregnant now in a
single shot, the only indicator at all that any time has
passed since the previous scene. Nothing happens for a
while, and eventually HAYDEN seeks the advice of IAN
MCDIARMID.

INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING

                       IAN MCDIARMID
            You seem worried about Natalie
            dying. Also, you're confused about
            being a Jedi.

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
                 (furrowing his brow)
            They don't want me to fuck Natalie
            Portman. That's insanity. Did you
            see her in Closer? Holy fuck.

                       IAN MCDIARMID
            Did you know that those who embrace
            the Dark Side have a lot of powers
            that Jedi do not? For example, they
            can influence that midichlorian
            bullshit to create life.

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            Create life? Wait, are you implying
            that my supposed virgin birth was--

                       IAN MCDIARMID
            And they can stop others from
            dying.

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            Stop others? Like, if someone force
            chokes them and they start to die
            because of it hours later?

                       IAN MCDIARMID
            Yup.

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            That's distracting enough that I'll
            not bother following up on the other
            thing you said.

Meanwhile...

EXT. KASHYYK

YODA leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The
scene is utterly superfluous and present solely to have a
scene containing WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the STAR
WARS UNIVERSE seem even smaller with more cameos by
characters from the original trilogy.

                         CHEWBACCA
            Nyaaarrrgghh.

EXT. UTAPAU

EWAN MCGREGOR finds out that GENERAL GREVIOUS is hiding on
UTAPAU. He jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.

                           IGUANA
            Shriek! Shriek!

The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the
AUDIENCE MISERABLE during any scene containing it. EWAN
rides it up to GENERAL GREVIOUS and challenges him.

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            I will attempt to destroy you now,
            without waiting for my support
            troops to arrive.

                      GENERAL GREVIOUS
                 (coughing)
            Are you serious? You've lost
            literally every single duel you've
            been a part of except for the one
            with Darth Maul. Hayden constantly
            mentions how many times he has saved
            you. What have you done in the
            entire prequel trilogy so far to
            prove that you're actually a decent
            fighter?

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            Hey, I sorta beat Jango Fett. So,
            what's with the coughing, do droids
            get colds or something?

                      GENERAL GREVIOUS
                 (wheezing)
            Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a
            droid. Check it out, I have an
            actual beating heart.

EWAN shoots it and GREVIOUS'S HEAD explodes in a ball of
fire.

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            That made sense.

INT. CORUSCANT

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs up to SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING
JACKSON

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            Samuel, I rented the original Star
            Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
            pretty sure Ian McDiarmid is a Sith
            Lord.

              SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
            Then it's time to get medieval on
            some ass.

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            Let me come with you.

              SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
            No, go your room.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON and some OTHER JEDI go to
see IAN. Meanwhile HAYDEN stares out the window of the JEDI
TEMPLE, toward NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT. Though he says
nothing, we can see that he is conflicted, trying to decide
between his commitment to the Jedi order and his love for
his wife. NATALIE, at the same time, gazes toward the Jedi
Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            How pathetic is it that the best
            acted scene between us is the one in
            which we are in separate buildings
            and have no lines?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON enters IAN MCDIARMID'S
CHAMBER.

              SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
            Ian, you're under arrest for being
            a manipulative motherfucker.

                       IAN MCDIARMID
            I got a threshold, Jedi. I got a
            threshold for the abuse I'll take.
            And right now I'm a race car and you
            got me in the red. I'm just saying
            that it's fuckin' dangerous to have
            a racecar in the fuckin' red. It
            could blow.

              SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
            Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?

                       IAN MCDIARMID
            I could blow.

              SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
            Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin'
            motherfucker, motherfucker! Every
            time my fingers touch my lightsaber
            I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
            Navarone.

Suddenly, IAN pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward the
JEDI, pulls his arm back, aims at a Jedi, kills him, pulls
his blade out, moves toward another, and slowly kills him
too, all while SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON twirls his
lightsaber around pointlessly behind them. Once only SAMUEL
is left, they DUEL. IAN makes silly faces and is eventually
beaten. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN arrives.

              SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
            Let me read to you from the book of
            Ezekiel for a--

Suddenly, IAN unleashes some force lightning on SAMUEL,
which he absorbs into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back
onto IAN, which causes him to grow old, apprently.

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            Wow, you really can absorb force
            lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
            really, really needs to tell Luke
            that. Anyway, Ian, I think Samuel is
            about to rip you a new one, mind
            telling how to save Natalie real
            quick?

              SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
            Fuck that, I'm killing this geezer
            now.

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            You can't. He must stand trial.
            Killing him now would be.. er, well
            it would be exactly the same as when
            I killed Christoper Lee in the
            beginning of the movie.

              SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
            You're actually right, but I'm
            going to kill him anyway.

HAYDEN stops him and IAN throws him out the window, a fall
which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED JEDI CAPABLE OF
SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            What have I done?
                 (pause)
            I submit myself to your will, Ian.

                       IAN MCDIARMID
            That was fast. Well, now that you
            have taken a single, somewhat
            justifiable step toward the Dark
            Side, there's no turning back. Go
            kill all of the Jedi in the temple,
            including the children.

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            Right, go kill the children. Got it.

                       IAN MCDIARMID
            Well, kill everyone, not just--

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
                 (leaving)
            On my way to kill all of the
            children now! Whee!

He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Jedi,
while the challenging task of murdering children can only be
undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE SITH.

EXT. UTAPAU

IAN MCDIARMID appears in a HOLOGRAPH to one of the CLONE
TROOPERS.

                       IAN MCDIARMID
            Execute order 66.

                       CLONE TROOPER
            Kill all shrieking CGI creatures.
                 (to his troop)
            Alright men, shoot down the giant
            Iguana.

                       IAN MCDIARMID
            Oh, and order 67.

                       CLONE TROOPER
            Jedi, too. Got it.

They shoot at EWAN, who falls into the water.

                       CLONE TROOPER
            He's dead. Nobody could have
            survived that fall. Except a Jedi,
            of course.

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            Jesus, they've become really
            stupid. This movie really DOES
            bridge the gap between the original
            trilogy and the prequel trilogy.

EXT. MYGEETO

Suddenly, all of the clone troopers turn against
KI-ADI-MUNDI and shoot him.

                        KI-ADI-MUNDI
            Oh no, I'm being shot at less than
            when the Jedi had to fight all of
            the droids at the end of Attack of
            the Clones! Somehow, they are
            overpowering me, though!
                 (dies)

CLONE TROOPERS kill all remaining JEDI all over the galaxy.
Meanwhile, HAYDEN travels to MUSTAFAR to kill all of the
separatists. JAR JAR, sadly, is not one of them.

INT. NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT

EWAN arrives to talk to NATALIE.

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            Natalie, do you know where Hayden
            is? I just saw some security
            recordings of the Jedi temple, and
            apparently also of Ian McDiarmid's
            chamber afterwards. Or beforehand.
            Or an alternate universe, perhaps.
            Anyway, he was killing children!

                      NATALIE PORTMAN
            Hayden? No! I refuse to entertain
            this notion and will dismiss your
            concerns outright. Hayden would
            never kill children!
                 (pause)
            Oh, wait, unless they were
            sandpeople. Then he would kill them.
            But he's definitely not a murderer
            otherwise.

EWAN stows away on NATALIE'S SHIP as she FLIES to MUSTAFAR.

EXT. MUSTAFAR

NATALIE'S SHIP lands and she runs to HAYDEN.

                      NATALIE PORTMAN
            Hayden! I heard you've gone toward
            the dark side! It's not true, is it?
            Why are your eyes all red?

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
                 (furrowing his brow)
            You brought Ewan, didn't you? To
            actually act well and make me look
            wooden and awful!

                      NATALIE PORTMAN
            Of course not! I'm even worse than
            you in this movie, why would I bring
            someone capable of acting well here?

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
                 (comically)
            Liar!

He chokes her.

                      NATALIE PORTMAN
                 (collapsing)
            Urk!

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force
            choke you because I love you. Come
            back to me baby.

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            Hayden! I know you're not really
            evil - you try to look evil by
            glowering everywhere, but you really
            just wind up looking confused all
            the time! Come back to the Jedi
            order!

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            From my point of view, the Jedi are
            stupid! I mean, really stupid! They
            didn't know I was married to
            Natalie, which Ian figured out in
            seconds. They didn't know Ian was a
            Sith. They asked me to get close to
            him, knowing full well I am confused
            and that he's manipulative. God, the
            assassin from Attack of the Clones
            allegedly couldn't be sent by
            Christopher Lee because "it's not in
            his character." Face it, it's a
            miracle the Jedi survived this long.

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            Anti-Jedite!

They DUEL. Then they DUEL some more. Afterwards, they do
some more DUELLING. Then there's another DUEL, a little
DUELLING, and finally a DUEL.

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            It's over, Hayden. If you jump over
            to me, I will cut your shit off.

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            You underestimate my power to
            decide not to jump to the low ground
            in front of you where I will be able
            to safely continue duelling, but to
            instead try to jump all the way over
            you and get my shit cut off!

He JUMPS and gets SLICED AND DICED. Then COMPLETELY BURNED.

                     HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            Motherfucker!

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            I'm leaving, Hayden! Even though
            you are writhing in agony, I won't
            do the humane thing and put you out
            of your misery. You're the dick,
            though.

He leaves. IAN arrives shortly after.

                       IAN MCDIARMID
            Take him back to Coruscant so we
            can put him in the big black life
            support suit that I just so happen
            to have laying around for just such
            an occasion.

They DO.

INT. POLIS MASSA HOSPITAL ROOM

A CGI MEDICAL DROID is delivering NATALIE'S CHILDREN.
Another CGI DROID talks to EWAN and JIMMY SMITS.

                        JIMMY SMITS
            Jesus, not every scene needs some
            digital character in them. She's
            giving birth, can't we leave at
            least a FEW frames of the film free
            from CGI bullshit? Hell, Ewan chould
            have delivered the twins, that would
            be more dramatic.

                   DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
            More what?

                       MEDICAL DROID
            She's dying. She has given up the
            will to live.

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            Given up the will to live? She does
            know she has two brand new babies to
            live for, doesn't she?

NATALIE has her twins, the order of which creates a
completely unnecessary continuity error for no reason other
than the fact that DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS must really enjoy
watching his obsessive fans rationalize obvious flaws. She
DIES.

INT. ALDERAAN CRUISER

YODA, EWAN, and JIMMY discuss what to do with A NEW HOPE.

                        JIMMY SMITS
            I will take the girl. Hey Ewan, if
            you know about Leia, how come you
            refer to Luke as your last hope in
            Empire Strikes Back?

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            I know about Leia, but Alec Guiness
            doesn't.

                            YODA
            Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of
            justifying obvious dialogue blunders
            created by the fact that George
            Lucas didn't actually have all six
            films firmly in his mind when he was
            making any given one, I need to
            train you how to be a force ghost so
            you can explain to Luke how Vader
            killed his father.

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            Where should we keep him in the
            mean time?

                            YODA
            Take him to his family on Tatooine.

                       EWAN MCGREGOR
            Wait, really? You mean, to hide him
            from Hayden and Ian, we're going to
            allow him to keep the last name
            Skywalker, bring him to Hayden's
            birth planet, and put him in the
            care of his actual relatives? It
            would take like an hour of research
            to track him down if the Empire
            wanted him.

                            YODA
            Well, go watch over him from really
            far away to make sure he's safe.

INT. CORUSCANT IMPERIAL REHAB CENTER

DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, in full suit, is situated
upright.

                  DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            Where's Natalie Portman? Suddenly I
            am worried about her again.

                       IAN MCDIARMID
            It seems that in your overacting,
            you killed her.

                  DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            Wow, you'd think that would really
            make me see the error of the Dark
            Side, realize the Jedi were right
            all along, and kill you right now.
            Ah well.

                       IAN MCDIARMID
            So, now that the movie is over,
            would you say that the prequel
            trilogy was worth making?

                  DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
            Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

END

                                                            

http://ter.air0day.com/?script=revengeofthesith

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8 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
lady_fox From: lady_fox Date: June 14th, 2005 06:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
Wow. That was so much better than the actual movie.

Fucking Dooku
abmann From: abmann Date: June 14th, 2005 07:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
DOOOOOooOoOoookUUUuuuUUUuuUUUUUUUUU!
(Deleted comment)
abmann From: abmann Date: June 14th, 2005 08:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
The honesty made it far better acted in my head. :)
dragonflyknight From: dragonflyknight Date: June 15th, 2005 01:16 am (UTC) (Link)
I love you so much, it hurts in my pants.
abmann From: abmann Date: June 15th, 2005 01:25 am (UTC) (Link)
That's not what hurts your pants. o_O

(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
abmann From: abmann Date: June 15th, 2005 12:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
Link me anyway! All must know the joys of Will!!!!
(Deleted comment)
abmann From: abmann Date: June 16th, 2005 02:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
earthdotprime From: earthdotprime Date: June 16th, 2005 04:42 am (UTC) (Link)
no matter how many times i read it (or varients of it), i still love it.

i can't wait til it shows at b-fest.
8 comments or Leave a comment