April 19th, 2005

Cthulhu Joyce

Getting back to substance

We call this "manic bunny"----->

The cats disconnected the webcam and I had no clue. It's on again and will be on whenever the computer is on. I also have bunny ears now which I may or may not have on the entire time I'm on the computer.

I spent down time at work today reading through the archives or my lj buddies. It was fun seeing how different a person can sound after 2, 3, 4 plus years of education, drama and livejournal. I wonder if they think, "why did I sounds like that??" and start rewriting their history. Or if they remember what sort of person they were and how they got to where they are.

I read my own back log and find that much of my tone has remained the same. When I do write real entries (entries like this) I take the same disconnected look at my own emotions, thought processes, the same intellectual approach to what I write. Seeing this, I want to know if I've become a different sort of person in the 2ish years I've been writing here, or if I'm stagnating.

I worry that I'm exactly the same, that I haven't grown as a person in any fashion since starting this journal, which was pretty much thrust upon me by some friends (I'M LOOKING AT YOU, ayrynkat). If this is the case, why haven't I changed? Have I been so secure in the type of person I am that I haven't needed or wanted to change? I don't think this is the case and I think lady_fox can attest to this. I'm more open to people, but more cynical.

No, the more I think about it, the more I know that I've changed fundamentally in the last two years. What hasn't changed is the way I look at my life. Now, that's a thought. Why hasn't the way I think about my own life changed as I have? Shouldn't there be some logical and equatable growth and difference between the two? I suppose this depends on the way I started looking at my life.

I've always been extremely analytical as everyone that's seen me deal with a problem would say. I always pull things apart in my head into their base components and look at those. This process, I think, removes the "me" from the situation so that it's only a subset of issues rather than "my" or "your" problem. Too me, this is a significantly better way to deal with a problem. Because I don't see people involved I pick what ever path solves the problem better.

When applying this to my own life and biographical writing, it creates a style that I've always used here. It is so much easier to organize my thoughts when their ordered. Tangent: I'd say this is why, a few months ago, I rarely liked the emotion entries I wrote when I was having intarweb drama. I couldn't even follow what was going on when I was writing in the moment. "Hot cognition" comes to mind.

To me, being emotionally involved in something like this is a waste of energy. This may also be why my advice can often sound harsh, as some of you have noted previously and today. I have started catching myself when I do that and let people know I'm doing that. Keeps my head intact. :)

So, I guess that my own views of my self and the way I view myself hasn't changed. When I pull myself apart I don't think I've changed because the pieces look the same. Put me back together, bunny ears and all, I'm more than the sum of my parts.

So, to all of you: I'm sorry that I can be cold and analytical. It's how I read situations. I want to find the solution sooner than I want you to feel better. But I'm trying to remember that you are people too. To bastardize my favorite theory: We can't all be subject to Occam's Razor.

PS. I'm trying to watch less TV and doing so means more LJ entries like this. I also want more "me" in this journal. It has recently turned into snippets of news and useless tidbits of stuff that few other can relate to. I'm trying to get more people to interact with me her, I think. Posting about stupid work situations only goes so far.

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