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Portrait of a Young Man as The Artist
Bought Just a Geek yesterday. Quite enjoyable. I think that I've become obsessed with people's lives, my own included. This is probably why I keep toying with my webcam and am looking into making a webserver. I like it when people are viewing mylife. It makes it[my life] seem more worthwhile.

Life as creative endeavor? I think that's what I want to go for. Just being as an art form. Blogging daily events, as I do here. Webcamming, which I generally do something wacky with couple of times a week. What I wish I could do is be a gargoyle like Dr. Man. I also think I want this because I've become very addicted to the internet.

I was wandering around Barnes and Nobles last night and felt very lost. I knew there was a wireless connection and I had forgotten my laptop. I wanted to write something, anything. I always want to write when I'm at a bookstore. I'm surrounded by these.. these.. books! everywhere! People have done what I want to do, and I feel like I can't.

Tangent, sorry. More than write creatively I wanted to write about wanting to write creatively. I wanted a laptop webcam so I could show you all that I was there, being somebody.

This is a weird edge. By obsessing over something so

as the


, I feel less cool - less hip and less of a person because I'm a moderate shut-in. BUT (and I think this is a big one I can't get my mind around) by wanting to do all this, and doing all of it as I am, it makes me more of a somebody. See, I want you guys to know me as well as I nkow me - to obsess over me as much as I do. This makes me very vain but in a new way.

It isn't that I'm full of myself (I don't think) and want you to fawn over me, I want a more intimate celebrity. I want you to know me as I know me. I want this to lessen the guilt I feel about being so self-involved. I'm not sure that it will.

So, as I go about making a webspace, compiling my life from a scattered LJ entity to a conglomerated artistic statement that is myself, I wonder if I will cease to care about anything that does not pertain to me? Now, were I to build that wearable computer that I have already started designing (as well as I can being inept at hardware), would making my life the world does that increase or decrease my self involvement? Or would that be like making the ultimate in vanity? Making the world my life? I am unsure.

All I know is that while reading Just a Geek, I realized that I'm more bored with the world. This is why I spend so much time on line. I get to be "out there" interacting with the world without flailing about in sleet and snow. Maybe if I subjugate the world to me I will get out there more, but be drawn further into the internet world I'd be creating for myself. Conundrum.

I also realized that I can completely ignore all other things, excepting lj user equals lady_fox who is too damn cute to ignore, when I'm interested in something. I forgot my addiction to the Internets and Bloodlines when I started reading tis book - which is a compilation of Wil Wheaton's weblog.... Meta blogging. Living his life through book through weblog. Maybe that's why I like it so much, it's about my addiction. But them, why don't I read more Cyberpunk? Maybe because it isn't real. I want to be living in the process of getting to Cyber punk.

I want to be man.

I want you all to know it.

EDIT: Back on the diet/exercise horse. I'd say I want to lose 15 lbs by Yule, but I'll be weight training so fat lose is hard to monitor. Maybe the goal should be "significant reduction of bodily softness" but Yule. I've been craving good fruit real hard since last week. I've also felt overfull since Thanksgiving. I'm hoping I'm stuff inder 200 lbs, but I've been eating like a pig for like 5 days straight. No weighing myself until next Monday.

Current Mood: indescribable indescribable

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Tell me something funny.

Current Mood: bored bored

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Curiosity - in big words and unintentional poesie.

I do not under stand, separate intention, the dynamics of posts that recieve comments, which have singular and unimpressive content founded on gimmick and flash-bangs detonated half cocked; and others that are explorations of me and my Quintessential Development receive few and form the foundation of Higher Levels. The Audience may take from granted the leanings, as they are wont to do. But the divide between abstraction and mundanity - as I see - is the different between being stitched into tapestry and cutting the golden cord.

The Friending, nuanced but scintillating in its regalia, is flawed in its perceptions.

Where does vulnerability and reality intersect amusement and engagement? This I wish to grasp. From where comes the blessings of an unfounded church, of zealotry condensed from experience? Is pedantry forming a sophistication that I am blinded? This is the conundrum of altered egos, the beast of genesis. The beast of Progress of unhindered evolution - the ghost of future leanings. To where the slanting goes is a dangling participle of where are you going to? This cannot be known, even with the best of intentions. This is the statement the slants the mind.

I am tilting at windmills.

Cut to keep it flowin'Collapse )

Current Mood: tired There is no entry for "stupid"

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