October 13th, 2004

Cthulhu Joyce

(no subject)

Know what I hate? Scheduled Late Work nights. I'm supposed to be here until 8pm. I'm not overloaded with work. Am I supposed to be? I feel like I have to stay. After tonight I'll have nothing to do. The deadline is the 26th. Just under two weeks.

Again, I ask, why do I feel compeled to stay when I don't need to?

Why wants this job to devour my life???

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Cthulhu Joyce

Sylvan fields on a projection screen.

If I let you tell me you loved me, would you press into me; steal my warmth until I become a glacial pool? I would let you, just so I knew I was alive - even as my life was ending.

It doesn't need to be quick.
Agonize me like love.
-ABM

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Cthulhu Joyce

Insidious Machiavelli

I dislike taking full lunch breaks. When I get into a groove, it's hard to put work aside. However my body has adapted an excellent way to tell me I must eat: Headaches.

Instantaneous, painful headaches, if I wait more than an hour past when I usually eat. This is an adaptive behavior, an evolutionary advantage my body has learned in spite of waht I've tied to tell it. It is my own, personal, punctuated equilibrium. That is - I seem to have an explosive evolutionary burst after points of plateau.

I feel this applies to multiple areas of human development, rather than the species as a whole. Who's to say that evolution only applies to humans gaining useful thumbs (no one, really - this is a regtorical device)? I say that evolution can include emotional, cognitive as well as spiritual improvements. I doubt this is an especially revolutionary concept to any of you - except you dreamspeaker. Rather, I'm saying that evolution in these areas of human existence can function like punctuated equilibrium - with or without a catalyst (one of my favorite words - it conjures[another great word] images of liver grinding).

Much of this stems from my spiritual beliefs regarding The Way The Universe Works insofar as human soul evolution (some one should keep tally on the word "evolution"). I like the concept of fate, at least a watered down version. I prefer that there is a set goal for existence, one that we can attain at our own pace - within reason. We can muck about life after life (yes, I beileve in reincarnation) doing things that bring us closer to these goals. We can, though, choose the path of resistance - active or blind. We take the switchbacks rather than the escalator such that we avoid learning certain things at a lower elevation. Eventually what happens, Sulley calls "the godsmack," is we get hit when we've been avoiding these goals for too long. If we're on the escalator, we fall over but are still carried easily on the way. It's les traumatic because we can pick up and move on a little bit of a better person.

If we took the switchback, we fall off the mountain - albeit(great word) on the otherside. Tis is the path of extreme anguish that results in skinned knees and darkened spirit. These are the depressions, the psychoses, the really bad times that happen because we avoided an important task. It's like a Spiritual Credit Card. You have to pay or you default. Hmm, that's not quite right but You (I) get the picture. These are those moments where we grow the most - punctuated equilibrium. Subsequently, I think God(dess?) is quite a dickhead even if S/He has the most loving of intentions. S/He also has a phenomenal sense of humor for a God(dess).

My body has also done this punctuated thing. During a time where I was thrown gently over the mountain I stopped eating. Like all together stopped eating - for 3 months. After I pulled myself out of it, and after losing 50ish pounds adn scrweing up my heart, I started eating again. Since then, if go that extra hour before eating I get a splitting headache It's like my body saying "remember that, dingleberry" (My body is mean to me). I don't think this is a case of conditioning because the reaction came well after the stimulus - no one was giving me headaches when I stoped eating. I can only assume my body learned an adaptive behavior.

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This isn't the sort of thing that grew on me. It was there one day where it wasn't before. Curious really. I don't think it's a learned over time response from not eating. I never got a headache that whole time. Curious.

Alright. You can have your eyes back now.
I don't like full lunches. Even if I have to stay at work until 8 O'clock. Do your jobs schedule late work nights?
-ABM (written at noon today)

Blah b;a random links blah
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Cthulhu Joyce

Blah vbah fiction blah blah

I was sunk the moment I existed for her. In blackened alleys where we violated time, I gave up everything I knew of sanity.
She offered her world in cadenced pleas not to stop I listened only as far as I dared. Screaming release and I drop her hard onto cardboard and newspaper.

She was afraid. I was torrid. In bars where night is king and drinks are cheap - sex is the only casualty. Her existence is a vacuum of meaning. Sidestepping the morning, I descended upon her fire.
I had to have her eyes.
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