June 9th, 2003

Cthulhu Joyce

Dichotomy, or is it ambivalence?

Dichotomy:
di·chot·o·my
n. pl. di·chot·o·mies
Division into two usually contradictory parts or opinions: “the dichotomy of the one and the many” (Louis Auchincloss).

Ambivalence
am·biv·a·lence
n.
The coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings, such as love and hate, toward a person, object, or idea.

I'm not sure what to think now-a-days. I have this really strong yearning, though I am loath to use that word (thirst, or urge maybe [certainly yen or zazzle]) to be with people on a regular basis. I like company and quickly get lonely, especially at night, when there is no one else here.

But, people get on my nerves so quickly, especially in larger (voluminous, whopping, jumbo) groups. Like, people were here tonight for a game CowEyed was running. The persons playing I like on one level (degree, grade, status) or another, but the people shut me down. When persons become people I get sad (melancholy, morose, torpid [usually all together]) and can no longer get any where in game or out. It's frustrating. I don't like the languor but it keeps happening.

Me thinks this is why people don't call me ever. Mayhap I fail to really be fun, though there are groups that keep me going really easily (Smash lounge, The Ancient Ones). But they don't call either, granted they are many moons away from here, but what of being 50 yards. That seems to stop them oh so easily. Unless they want something.

Hmm, lost stream.

So, I want to people here, but don't. I want and un-want quite easily at the same time. I guess it falls more into ambivalence than dichotomy. I think sleep has something to do with it. I need to get the right sleep times going.

People grate (vex, rile, rankle) easier when my brain is off and my mind asleep. What was my point again? Blast.

How long for the rest of those I know to find this journal. 'Course Adsartha gave this to me. :) She already knows.

I think I'll angst on Charleston by Night.

-ABM
  • Current Music
    Transparent Frequency - someone...?
Cthulhu Joyce

Research, Research, Res--Monkies!!

I really hope Alexis doesn't mind that I'm only spending like two hours in the library at a time... while on aim... and listening to music.

I wonder if the distractions are detracting from my productivity. I guess the real question at the moment is "Do I care?" And the answer is a resounding (reverberating, loud in not cacophonous) No, especially when that two hours was spent talking to Silent Magi which hasn't occurred in quite some time. I really need to send him StepMania. I wonder what shipping costs are to India?

I suppose the pertinent question shall soon become what exactly Alexis is expecting volume-wise from me on a daily or weekly basis. Isn't it enough that I have to turn in like three 5-10 page papers to her three days after my birthday? I really doubt that she'll be so strict. I bet this is the easiest as well as the most beneficial A I shall receive. I need to do more classes with her.

Noticed the other day that I've lost weight. Maybe there is something to this diet and exercise thing. Shirts are starting to fit better. Sexiness quotient is on the rise. :)
  • Current Music
    Theme - Nintendo - Super Mario Bros.