The Piecemeal Man (abmann) wrote,
The Piecemeal Man

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Revenge of the Shut-the-fuck-up.

I haven't read what lady_fox just wrote, but she stole my entry.

Man. Like.. Whoa. Dude.

Seriously? Man.

Wow that was just. so. bad.

I think, firstly, I'll try to list what I liked.
    The Good
  1. Yoda is a ninja.
    -I must preface this by saying that it pissed me off in Attack of the Bad Movie Name to no end because it raped his mystique. In the third, it was fine because it was already broken adn I could enjoy it.
  2. Dooku was killed.
    -I liked the character and Christopher Lee did a great job, but hearing his name constantly drove me freakin' nuts.
  3. The battle with Grevious was really pretty.
  4. Palpatine was still an excellent character.

    Ok, four. I suppose that's pretty good. Oh yeah...
  5. It gave me much better appreciation for the original trilogy.
    I guess that last one doesn't really equate, but dude.. come on.

I honestly cant figure where to start to explain how much I disliked this. I was bored. I checked my watch. I think the candy we bought kept me awake, but didn't help my attention span. i was much more interested in keeping track of hom many times Fox broke out laughing when some character said "Dooku."

By Topic, I suppose.

Ewan McGreggor is an excellent actor. Here, as Obi-Wan he completely by passed biting the wax tadpole adn jumped straight into selectivinly sauteeing the whole tadpole's phyllus. What's frightening is that I think he did better in the earlier movies. Potentially, his acting when set against Hayden Christensen's acting (if you can call it that, 'cuz I certainly don't) looks far better; adn in the previous movies it looked better because Liam Nesson rock's my casbah. Regardless, the sheer amount of fake crying adn dramatic soap-opera turn aways really killed it for me.

Natalie Portman, a pretty decent actress also sucked. Now, all the scenes she was in consisted of "I love you, Darth Vader", "I'm Surly, Girl From Professional" and little else... unless she was trying to die. So, I suppose there wasn't much for her to express beside remorse and "don't touch me, grease monkey" emotive states. I still think she finds Christensen repulsive and it affected her acting.

Hayden Christensen didn't act, so I can't really say anything about him here.


Rather than spend the money on millions of monkeis adn millions of type writers, I bet Lucas dropped about a grand on a Llama with extra-heavy spit and a Speak 'n Spell. The dialogue really regressed beyond flat adn wound up a dimension-less point on sme bathroom stall somewhere. I mean, Lucas managed to even ruin Darth Vader. I'm sorry, but that last scene could have been fantastic. I'm fine with Vader asking about Padme once. Three times adn then whining to have Palpatine tell him even though he just asked so Palpatine didn't have the time to react is just uncalled for. Then, when palpatine remains his awesome self, the screaming Darth is completely unlike the Darth I love.

Lucas could have used that moment of rebirth (which he hammered home with the stupid and constant jumps between that adn the birth scene) to transition character into the ultra badass Vader. Instead we get a wussy "NOOOOOOOO!" (explode, crunch, crunch, crash). Now, envision that scene like this:
(ominous Empure March, Vader is being rebuilt. Camera parallel to floor hovering over Vader. Vader's table moves to perpendicular to floor.)

VADER: (turn to Palpatine) Is Padme alive?

PALPATINE: (deadpan) No. In your rage you killed her (or what ever he exactly said before.)

VADER: (look to robot arm. Clench fist adn quietly) no.

(shit expoldes. camera view Palpatine with surly, "I'm amazing" amile)

That's what it should have been. But that would assume that Lucas can understand subtely or any sort of character development. He trounced on anything else the original trilogy was, why not the coolness of post-human Vader?

I'll just mention breifly every scene where Anakan adn Padme spoke, because they were all bad. They, were, in fact, all the same. I'm convinced that each scene was actually a single scene that Lucas decided to break apart and pepper through the movie in order to break up the constant fight scene that happened during the rest of the movie when Obi-Wan wasn't fake crying or Samuel Jackson was not-being a badass.

One more note: don't let your children name anyhing in your movies. Windu? Dooku? Naboo? What would happen if Windu had fought Dooku on Naboo? The alphabet would never forgive us without a lot of tequila.

So, now that the cycle is complete I must rank them.
  1. Empire strikes Back
    I still say Empire is the best.
  2. New Hope
    Followed by New Hope, which would probably be a closer tie for first if Luke didn't whine so damn much.
  3. Return of the Jedi/Phantom Menace
    Third is hard with Jedi and Phantom Menace being pretty close. I think it would come down to a this: Do I hate Ewoks or medichlorians more?
  4. Revenge of the Sith
  5. Attack of the Bad Name

I'd really need to watch them over to rank them properly, but that ain't happening any time soon. I've done my time, thankyousomuch.

Oh yeah, and the special effects were really over done - much like the previous two.

Sidebar: Customer trip was ok. I've lost interest in writing about my own life here. I'm finding little reason to do so recently. This is probably some sort of phase where I'm hating my flist and LJ regardless of any logical reason to do so.
Tags: nooooooo!!!, star wars, work - travel
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