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Revenge of the Shut-the-fuck-up. - Portrait of a Young Man as The Artist — LiveJournal
Revenge of the Shut-the-fuck-up.
I haven't read what lady_fox just wrote, but she stole my entry.

Man. Like.. Whoa. Dude.

Seriously? Man.

Wow that was just. so. bad.

I think, firstly, I'll try to list what I liked.
    The Good
  1. Yoda is a ninja.
    -I must preface this by saying that it pissed me off in Attack of the Bad Movie Name to no end because it raped his mystique. In the third, it was fine because it was already broken adn I could enjoy it.
  2. Dooku was killed.
    -I liked the character and Christopher Lee did a great job, but hearing his name constantly drove me freakin' nuts.
  3. The battle with Grevious was really pretty.
  4. Palpatine was still an excellent character.

    Ok, four. I suppose that's pretty good. Oh yeah...
  5. It gave me much better appreciation for the original trilogy.
    I guess that last one doesn't really equate, but dude.. come on.

I honestly cant figure where to start to explain how much I disliked this. I was bored. I checked my watch. I think the candy we bought kept me awake, but didn't help my attention span. i was much more interested in keeping track of hom many times Fox broke out laughing when some character said "Dooku."

By Topic, I suppose.

Ewan McGreggor is an excellent actor. Here, as Obi-Wan he completely by passed biting the wax tadpole adn jumped straight into selectivinly sauteeing the whole tadpole's phyllus. What's frightening is that I think he did better in the earlier movies. Potentially, his acting when set against Hayden Christensen's acting (if you can call it that, 'cuz I certainly don't) looks far better; adn in the previous movies it looked better because Liam Nesson rock's my casbah. Regardless, the sheer amount of fake crying adn dramatic soap-opera turn aways really killed it for me.

Natalie Portman, a pretty decent actress also sucked. Now, all the scenes she was in consisted of "I love you, Darth Vader", "I'm Surly, Girl From Professional" and little else... unless she was trying to die. So, I suppose there wasn't much for her to express beside remorse and "don't touch me, grease monkey" emotive states. I still think she finds Christensen repulsive and it affected her acting.

Hayden Christensen didn't act, so I can't really say anything about him here.


Rather than spend the money on millions of monkeis adn millions of type writers, I bet Lucas dropped about a grand on a Llama with extra-heavy spit and a Speak 'n Spell. The dialogue really regressed beyond flat adn wound up a dimension-less point on sme bathroom stall somewhere. I mean, Lucas managed to even ruin Darth Vader. I'm sorry, but that last scene could have been fantastic. I'm fine with Vader asking about Padme once. Three times adn then whining to have Palpatine tell him even though he just asked so Palpatine didn't have the time to react is just uncalled for. Then, when palpatine remains his awesome self, the screaming Darth is completely unlike the Darth I love.

Lucas could have used that moment of rebirth (which he hammered home with the stupid and constant jumps between that adn the birth scene) to transition character into the ultra badass Vader. Instead we get a wussy "NOOOOOOOO!" (explode, crunch, crunch, crash). Now, envision that scene like this:
(ominous Empure March, Vader is being rebuilt. Camera parallel to floor hovering over Vader. Vader's table moves to perpendicular to floor.)

VADER: (turn to Palpatine) Is Padme alive?

PALPATINE: (deadpan) No. In your rage you killed her (or what ever he exactly said before.)

VADER: (look to robot arm. Clench fist adn quietly) no.

(shit expoldes. camera view Palpatine with surly, "I'm amazing" amile)

That's what it should have been. But that would assume that Lucas can understand subtely or any sort of character development. He trounced on anything else the original trilogy was, why not the coolness of post-human Vader?

I'll just mention breifly every scene where Anakan adn Padme spoke, because they were all bad. They, were, in fact, all the same. I'm convinced that each scene was actually a single scene that Lucas decided to break apart and pepper through the movie in order to break up the constant fight scene that happened during the rest of the movie when Obi-Wan wasn't fake crying or Samuel Jackson was not-being a badass.

One more note: don't let your children name anyhing in your movies. Windu? Dooku? Naboo? What would happen if Windu had fought Dooku on Naboo? The alphabet would never forgive us without a lot of tequila.

So, now that the cycle is complete I must rank them.
  1. Empire strikes Back
    I still say Empire is the best.
  2. New Hope
    Followed by New Hope, which would probably be a closer tie for first if Luke didn't whine so damn much.
  3. Return of the Jedi/Phantom Menace
    Third is hard with Jedi and Phantom Menace being pretty close. I think it would come down to a this: Do I hate Ewoks or medichlorians more?
  4. Revenge of the Sith
  5. Attack of the Bad Name

I'd really need to watch them over to rank them properly, but that ain't happening any time soon. I've done my time, thankyousomuch.

Oh yeah, and the special effects were really over done - much like the previous two.

Sidebar: Customer trip was ok. I've lost interest in writing about my own life here. I'm finding little reason to do so recently. This is probably some sort of phase where I'm hating my flist and LJ regardless of any logical reason to do so.

Tags: , ,
Current Mood: indescribable indescribable

17 comments or Leave a comment
(Deleted comment)
elenuial From: elenuial Date: May 29th, 2005 05:40 am (UTC) (Link)
JMS called you? That's awesome, in a pathetically hilarious sort of way.

What, exactly, did you say about him?
abmann From: abmann Date: May 29th, 2005 09:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
Puppet Yoda is hands down a better Yoda. Puppets look real because the lighting always matches. CG Yoda looks like it has a whispy old lady mustache. The only way that Lucas could get the ninja yoda, though, was to CG it. That decision was ultimately incorrect.

I'm still pissed that Lucas destroyed the mystique by having Yoda ninja it up so the fans would slobber a little more. Uncool.

My friend Tim back in Chicago described the prequels as follows: "It's like George Lucas is giving all of his fans a blow job, but his movie keeps creeping towards my anus."

I think Lucas was out for money more than a good story... not that he could EVER write a good story.

And Straczynski is a dick that took too long to complete Rising Stars.
(Deleted comment)
abmann From: abmann Date: May 29th, 2005 09:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
They're better than medichlorians, I think. But they seemed unnecessary to the whole of Return of the Jedi. However, that's still a great movie.

I think I should say the relative weight of my rankings. Because, by the numbers, Phantom and Jedi are close but in goodness they're lightyears apart.
elenuial From: elenuial Date: May 29th, 2005 05:37 am (UTC) (Link)
I thought the final Vader scene would have been best if he had just turned and walked away when Palpatine told him Padme was dead, leaving it up to the audience to determine whether or not he was so torn apart that he couldn't speak, or he had just become so cold that he didn't feel the need to say anything. Either way, it would have been a better characterized moment.
abmann From: abmann Date: May 29th, 2005 09:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
tHis also would have been much better than what the ending was. I think Lucas just had to rape one more of my happy memories.
_yungfuktoi_ From: _yungfuktoi_ Date: May 29th, 2005 03:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
Need I reiterate my feelings regarding Star Wars...
abmann From: abmann Date: May 29th, 2005 09:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
Have I ever read your feelings on Star Wars? I apologize for reviewing it, but it's such a phenomenon that I felt I had too; especially since I considered it far worse than the rest of the world seems to. :)
nathan_lounge From: nathan_lounge Date: May 29th, 2005 04:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
Just remember, the moral of the story is that some times you gotta just force choke a bitch.

If Anakin had force aborted the babies like he wanted to in that initial scene, everything would have been fine. Thus, everything is in fact Luke's fault.
abmann From: abmann Date: May 29th, 2005 10:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
No no. If you remember at the end of Attack of the Bad Name, Jar-Jar moves to give Palpatine near-emperor powers this paving the way for the the Empire and destruction of the Jedi. It's Jar-Jar's fault.

Now, it is Anakin's fault for not killing Padme when he got the chance for being vicious idiot about the whole Empire/Sith thing.

Yoda should have busted out the force lightening all over Anakin's ass in that movie.
nathan_lounge From: nathan_lounge Date: May 29th, 2005 10:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sure...if force lightning made the least bit of sense. But seriously, how easy would it have been for Anakin/Vader to just end that ltitle pregnancy problem and save Padme's life? Uh-huh, I blame Bush.
abmann From: abmann Date: May 30th, 2005 01:39 am (UTC) (Link)
Wait wait wait! Force lightening is less beleivable than force choking? Dude....
nathan_lounge From: nathan_lounge Date: May 30th, 2005 03:50 am (UTC) (Link)
It's not the believability, it's that I was trying to figure out why Palpy got all squishy-faced after it. I'm really confused at his deformity.
abmann From: abmann Date: May 30th, 2005 04:05 am (UTC) (Link)
I think Lucas threw that in half assed. In the video games you get uglier when you turn to the darkside. I think it was a stupid bit added for that. I see no problem leaving him old and turning into Leatherface over the next 20 movie years.
nathan_lounge From: nathan_lounge Date: May 30th, 2005 06:09 am (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, the two basic explinations go:

1) Mace reflected the lightning back at palpy scaring him...the problem being that this doesn't cohere with Ep. 2 or 6 when Obi Wan, Anakin, or Luke are fucked up with force lightning.

2) The power of the dark side slowly twisted the emperor's mortal frame. In fact, he has a series of clones which he uses to transfer his essense to live on. He's actually far older and more powerful than anyone realizes. Lotsa power = quickly ageing...sorta like radiation posioning? The problem with this is that the timeframe doesn't cohere even if he didn't go squishy faced in Ep. 3.

The first is movie canon, the second is book canon. Both hurt my brains.
(Deleted comment)
abmann From: abmann Date: May 29th, 2005 10:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, probably. I have this really bad memory of Attack of the Bad Movie Name that I may be clouded. I may need to rent tem all adn watch them tomorrow to figure out a real ranking.
ayrynkat From: ayrynkat Date: May 30th, 2005 02:01 am (UTC) (Link)
Will, I adore you. You're just so much more articulate about Episode III than I could ever hope to be.
abmann From: abmann Date: May 30th, 2005 03:30 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm pleased my savage loonery meets your approval. :)
17 comments or Leave a comment