The second I start trying to right about all this I feel an immediate block. Generally when this feeling shows up it is denial and disbelief rearing its multifaceted head. I feel like I shouldn't say anything about who I am becoming, what I am becoming because I have spent my life hiding these things. But, a (now) very stroing part of me says I need to get all this out and sift through the detrius later.
I am not religious. Religion is organized and has a tendency to require money from those whom associate with that religion. I am very spiritual. I have a core set of beliefs that guide much that is me, well it waxes and wanes hom much these beliefs affect my life. I have decided that I will no longer let these forces ebb, I'd rather I sink or swim.
I don't know how to fucking right this and it's pissing me off. Everything I try to say makes it sound like some stupid, crystal-hugging "magik"-loving bullshit. I hate this.
I belive the following things that are nontraditional:
1: I have spirit guides - be they angles or what ever. For me they manifest as animals because my primary spiritual roots are in Lakota shamanism.
2: I speak with my spirit guides, both in meditation and out loud.
3: The more often I speak with them the more they manifest to me, thus the more powerful they become.
4: The world has an energy basis to it, what ever you call it: ether, mana, I don't care. I believe it to be the extension of the deity.
5: I generally refer to this deity as God, Great Spirit or Tunkashila (usually alone as it means Grandfather in Lakota.) God as all those lovely traits that Descartes says he does plus male and female aspects that manifest as the Pagan God and Goddess. Tis dety is within everything and everyone. Because it has dichotomous sexual representation, the energy within has these same bi-sexual affinities. Energy can be masculine and feminie, as it were.
6: With enogh understanding, I can manipulate energy. This doesn't mean that I believe that I can produce fireballs, it does mean that I can make subtle changes to the world and the people in it as they relate to my world. I believe it is possible to very strongly fuck up the world, though, if my will and belief are strong enough.
There intricacies that don't matter, so I won't go into them. Because I care very little how this affects the way people view me comment as you want. I"m happy to answer questions, it's easier than trying to cover all my bases.
Because of Enoch's visit I have once again been told that I need to stop pushing my beliefs away and come into myself. I need to accept what I am and what I can become (no, I'm not sure what that is).
Therefore, I have been doing rituals and quote-unquote magic recently to help myself fully accept these things. I feel that I have changed quite a bit, internally. I have been much more emotional and far, far more aware of other people's emotions and energy projections than before. Anna, Gordon, and Matt have all noticed; though Gordon saw me last monday and immediately asked what has changed. I smile. I have noted that some of my interactions with people are much better, deeper. Some or pretty much shut down. There are those that draw instant shielding reactions, which I find both very funny and very interesting. I'm worried that I'm going to fall into a destructive cycle and give over to darker emotion and a loss of rationality... In this way, much of my beliefs are kinda like Jedi.. huh... weird
Yes, there are dark forces out there. I don't know what they are but they are there. While we can hold our intentions in ourity there is outside taint that can get in there. The strength of my belief protects me, the strength of my will.
This enty is a public acceptantce of what is to be. And to tell you yahoo's that I decided to change my AIM sn, like I ever use it. I am now "HeWhoSeeksWolf" to serve as a constant reminder that there are things I must seek an any active fashion. This is just another manifestation of my continued quest.
Continued... I started this quest seven years ago. I was doing s well until high school and college got in the way. It started to shut me off. Both Gretchen and lady_fox serve/d as guides to myself. It would seem that Iris is picking up where Gretchen made some head-way, I'm not sure how much. Suffice it to say that Iris has changed some of me very, very forcefully. In some aspects I feel quite different.
It will be good that my mother is coming into town for my graduation. She'll be able to reinitiate me into the Reiki scene, and bring iris in too.
Reiki is a focus, really. It's a way of focusing attention to better do energy work. It's a healing system created/discovered by an old japanese man named Dr. Usui. This, I think, is wat most people have a hard time swallowing. Eh. it's a focus. It's like meditation with different intention. I have seen many amazing things for me not to believe.
I have little else to say besides I'm sorry that was disjointed. I just need to get that out. If some of you have a problem, deal. My beliefs haven't changed, I'm just expressing them. No one has ever asked what I believed, with a few exceptions, so I wanted this out. I don't like hiding this.
It always starts with a tarot reading. Every significant spiritual shift in my life has started because of a tarot reading.