Log in

No account? Create an account
entries friends calendar profile ABMann.net Previous Previous Next Next
Portrait of a Young Man as The Artist
Getting back to substance
We call this "manic bunny"----->

The cats disconnected the webcam and I had no clue. It's on again and will be on whenever the computer is on. I also have bunny ears now which I may or may not have on the entire time I'm on the computer.

I spent down time at work today reading through the archives or my lj buddies. It was fun seeing how different a person can sound after 2, 3, 4 plus years of education, drama and livejournal. I wonder if they think, "why did I sounds like that??" and start rewriting their history. Or if they remember what sort of person they were and how they got to where they are.

I read my own back log and find that much of my tone has remained the same. When I do write real entries (entries like this) I take the same disconnected look at my own emotions, thought processes, the same intellectual approach to what I write. Seeing this, I want to know if I've become a different sort of person in the 2ish years I've been writing here, or if I'm stagnating.

I worry that I'm exactly the same, that I haven't grown as a person in any fashion since starting this journal, which was pretty much thrust upon me by some friends (I'M LOOKING AT YOU, ayrynkat). If this is the case, why haven't I changed? Have I been so secure in the type of person I am that I haven't needed or wanted to change? I don't think this is the case and I think lady_fox can attest to this. I'm more open to people, but more cynical.

No, the more I think about it, the more I know that I've changed fundamentally in the last two years. What hasn't changed is the way I look at my life. Now, that's a thought. Why hasn't the way I think about my own life changed as I have? Shouldn't there be some logical and equatable growth and difference between the two? I suppose this depends on the way I started looking at my life.

I've always been extremely analytical as everyone that's seen me deal with a problem would say. I always pull things apart in my head into their base components and look at those. This process, I think, removes the "me" from the situation so that it's only a subset of issues rather than "my" or "your" problem. Too me, this is a significantly better way to deal with a problem. Because I don't see people involved I pick what ever path solves the problem better.

When applying this to my own life and biographical writing, it creates a style that I've always used here. It is so much easier to organize my thoughts when their ordered. Tangent: I'd say this is why, a few months ago, I rarely liked the emotion entries I wrote when I was having intarweb drama. I couldn't even follow what was going on when I was writing in the moment. "Hot cognition" comes to mind.

To me, being emotionally involved in something like this is a waste of energy. This may also be why my advice can often sound harsh, as some of you have noted previously and today. I have started catching myself when I do that and let people know I'm doing that. Keeps my head intact. :)

So, I guess that my own views of my self and the way I view myself hasn't changed. When I pull myself apart I don't think I've changed because the pieces look the same. Put me back together, bunny ears and all, I'm more than the sum of my parts.

So, to all of you: I'm sorry that I can be cold and analytical. It's how I read situations. I want to find the solution sooner than I want you to feel better. But I'm trying to remember that you are people too. To bastardize my favorite theory: We can't all be subject to Occam's Razor.

PS. I'm trying to watch less TV and doing so means more LJ entries like this. I also want more "me" in this journal. It has recently turned into snippets of news and useless tidbits of stuff that few other can relate to. I'm trying to get more people to interact with me her, I think. Posting about stupid work situations only goes so far.

I've almost maxed the abdominal crunch machine at the gym. I'm crunch 140 pounds now. I can do 20-30 full leg extended lifts as well.

I'm eating a bit more, getting about 1200 calories a day so I don't hurt myself. That's still a 18-2000 calorie deficiency though. Here I come weight loss.

I've started doing the tread mill. Generally a mile or so a day. Easing into it so my asthma has time to adjust.

I've been going to the gym 4(last month)-6(how I do it now) times a week for two months and I've been dieting well for 3 weeks.
I'm really, really proud of myself.

Current Mood: accomplished accomplished
Current Music: David Bowie - Little Wonder

20 comments or Leave a comment
nefas From: nefas Date: April 20th, 2005 12:18 am (UTC) (Link)
i think i was better back then than i am now (on livejournal). at least, for the most part. poo.

incidentally, i need bunny ears.
abmann From: abmann Date: April 20th, 2005 12:28 am (UTC) (Link)
How were you better then compared to now?

You would be adorable in bunny ears. I got mine at Wal-greens on Easter. They may have some in a corner on super-mega-get-it-out-of-the-store sale.
nefas From: nefas Date: April 20th, 2005 05:59 am (UTC) (Link)
i think my lj entries were better a lot of the time. i dunno. more interesting. maybe they weren't all that interesting, and i just like to pretend they were. who knows?
abmann From: abmann Date: April 20th, 2005 01:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
Maybe it's a change in how you view yuorself? Like what I said hadn't changed in my journal?

If I may be so bold, you seem pretty hard on yourself most of the time.

PS (this is a distraction so you forget the bad thing I just wrote ;)): that icon is really creepy for some reason. Reminds me of Samara from the Ring. :)
questingfalcon From: questingfalcon Date: April 20th, 2005 08:29 am (UTC) (Link)
Point the First: Your bunny pictures are seriously creepy. Way to go!
Point the Second: Your workout amazes me, as does your dedication. Way to go ^2.

Point the Third: From reading your LJ over the years, I'd tend to agree with you in that your general style of thought hasn't changed all that much. There are different phases/ mood-waves that permeate the journal, which can be more clearly observed over a longish period of time. I also find it slightly amazing how often you manage to post on here. I just don't find all that much to say, nor I do particularly care for this medium. However, it is amusing to keep up to date with how others are doing, esp your ne'er-predictable entries.
abmann From: abmann Date: April 20th, 2005 12:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
I can't believe that someone else uses "ne'er."

I'd say the reason that I post so often is that I live inside my head. I'm always thinking and rethinking situations such that there is always something else to consider. Due to that, posts may or may not be tertiarily relevant to my current life.
smed From: smed Date: April 20th, 2005 01:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
When I look back on my LJ, I'm saddened. I can only hope that I have changed greatly since those first seemingly immature entries. However, I'm afraid that I am still just as immature. At least on paper. And potentially in person as well. Drat.

Excellent job with the workout/diet. You have something to be proud of there! Very much so. Keep up the good work. You'll start inspring kids like me soon...
abmann From: abmann Date: April 20th, 2005 01:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
Kids.. right. Inspiration is part of the point.

I read through some of your archive yesterday. Yiur voice has change quite a bit even if the topics are similar. However, I can't really judge since I've "known" you for what? Like two months?

Anyway, your previous entries didn't really look at the situations with a historical perspective. Now, when you run into problem yuo seem to have real experience to fall back on. I think you're taking a better ook at yourself because yuo've seen some of the same patterns cropping up and you're working on fixing them.

I'm done. I think I'm blowing a lot of smoke here. My opinions on this matter hold no water.
smed From: smed Date: April 20th, 2005 01:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
lol. Sorry - my use of the word "kids" must be more prevelent in person. I tend to address any group of my peers as "kids". Someday, that will get me in trouble. Oh well. It's one of my personality quirks.

And while you have not known me for long, it seems as though we are peas of similar pods. We both have become somewhat jaded, "no nonsense" persons. And psychology majors at that. I would point out that your opinions, while taken with a grain of salt, do hold water. You provide a completely third party opinion. You do not yet have a "past" with me to bias your thoughts. You have a repitorie which allows us to openly discuss and for now that is enough.

I enjoy your insight into my life. Whether it is dead wrong or more right then I would like to beleive.

abmann From: abmann Date: April 20th, 2005 02:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
No salting my advice! That leads to hypertension.

Do you really think having a past with some one biases them?

I guess I'd say it probably does, but they way i look at things, having a past only affects the way I give my advice; rarely does nknowing some one for so long does it change the advice i give. I'll just not be as blunt, especially if I want to remain friends. :)

Of course, I can't actually say that a history doesn't affect me because I cannot objectively say one way or another. Something like this must be observed by an impartial third party.

Damn. I think I've just invalidated much of my way of deaing with other people's problems. i may need to rethink some things.

smed From: smed Date: April 20th, 2005 02:28 pm (UTC) (Link)

And yes yes yes, I do beleive that having known someone in the past biases your thoughts towards them. How could it not? Let's take an example... Jenny begins dating Chris. No one really knows Chris because he's new to town. Two months into the relationship, Chris sleeps with another girl at a party. He is very regretful of his actions and swears that this will never happen again.

Now take the same situation, sorrow and all, but add in a past. Let's say a past where Chris has done this several times and appeared regretful each time, but you all know it's a hoax. Or perhaps a past where Chris has always been true to his women, treating them like princesses, so this behavior is completely out of his normal behavior. It makes a difference. Extreme example, but you get the point.

I am addicted to salt.
And thinking is good for you. While Watson would have pushed us completely away from introspection, I still beleive it has its time and place. How else will we recognize our maladaptive behavior patterns?
abmann From: abmann Date: April 20th, 2005 02:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
But that's his opast affecting my advice to you. What I'm considering is how our (mine and Jenny)past would affect my advice. I think this assumes that I take an objective stance the Chris as a third party. But the my advice would be different depending on his past, maybe, depending on how their history affected my view of our past.

Well, I guess then I must say that past does affect. I just remoe emotion from the moment of giving advice because it makes it easier to do so if said advice may be controversial. That may be it.

Watson was a dork. He was a terrible "role model" for psychology. Don't hug your kids? I mean, come on, people!
smed From: smed Date: April 20th, 2005 02:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
Watson was a man who couldn't keep it in his pants because he was Mommy's little boy. And he was a bastard (though brilliant) if you look at his work in advertising.

Past history does affect present opinions.

Controversial advice is the best.

abmann From: abmann Date: April 20th, 2005 05:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
All in all? I think I'm just happy that you don't freak out when I'm blunt. People don't like my style of advice. :)

Skinner was a much better poster boy for behaviorism. He at least liked his children.... even if the air cradle was a weird idea. I think he just wanted more time with his rats.
ayrynkat From: ayrynkat Date: April 20th, 2005 07:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
Journal pretty much thrust on you by friends, eh? *I* was not involved in any thrusting whatsoever. And *I* don't ask you to post as often as you do, though it does make for very very good readings.

As for weighing in on the whole voice issue, I don't think I can tell. I don't post three quarters of what needs to be posted in this LJ. So perhaps I'll leave it to others to determine whether my LJ persona has changed. I sure as hell know that I've changed since I started it a year and a half ago. That's something, at least.

Incidentally, would you mind shooting me your cell number? Steve got a second application back from Epic and has a couple questions. Plus, it'd be cool to bother, ahem, get in contact with you by telephone instead of LJ all the time :)
abmann From: abmann Date: April 20th, 2005 08:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
What's your prefered email?
ayrynkat From: ayrynkat Date: April 20th, 2005 08:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
stu account
abmann From: abmann Date: April 20th, 2005 08:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
sent, assuming I remembered the naming convention.
abmann From: abmann Date: April 21st, 2005 12:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
I got it wrong. I responded to Steve's questions adn sent my cell number as well. You can get it from him.
ayrynkat From: ayrynkat Date: April 21st, 2005 04:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
Got it from him today at lunch. Thanks!
20 comments or Leave a comment