"Should." Should is the hallway to cognitive dissonance. It is "should" that makes so many people feel bad and depressed. "Should" can lead to psychoanalysis, psychopharmacology, psychotherapy (differeent from the first). I don't like saying that I've learned things about the way I "should" be doing anything. I guess it's prudent, then, to say that I have learned truths about how I wish to engage the world. Regardless, the things in no particular order. I considered a scale to measure the imporance of each.. Maybe in a cut.
1: Shopping is easier with a gay man.
2: It's hard to be frugal when shopping with a gay man.
3: You cannot change your life living in your mother's basement, or at home for that matter.
4: No one, no one, listens to advice when contrary to long standing beliefs unless the one giving the advice is a doctor.
5: The possibility of changing one's life according to said advice is exponentially, inversely related to years in school.
6: I like wearing orange clothes.
7: Old Navy is passé to the point where it has exactly the clothes I'm looking for.
8: I feel less guilty about being a lump when alone.
9: I must always live very close to friends.
10: I can successfully diet when I am with people.
11: I have abandonment issues.
12: I tend to present what I want people to think of me and what I want to think of me. (yes, confusing)
Two days and I found/refound these truths. Granted, I may not always like orange but shopping will always be easier with a gay man. That's universal.
Shopping with Tim is fun and sad. He is quite depressed and thinks he can fill the void of his depression with an expensive toy. He knows he can't, acknowledges he can't, so he pushes me to buy the things I normally wouldn't to live vicariously through my purchase. He does have good taste though.
All of m friends live at home. I am not joking. Every single person in this town I still consider a friend lives with their parent/s. They all have crap jobs (Tim is an exception. He his a radiographer at a hospital.) They have not moved on. They are doing very little. Apparently coming home after the age of 20 is a unilateral pause button. I'm glad I am making plans so that this is not me.
I have yet to have someone take my advice, current friends or old. When I say advice, I mean important things. However, I get many "You are/were right. I should listen to you more" (one of those should things). I'm more frustrated than anything else. I have people seeking advice they don't want. I don't want to give out advice any more. It don't like being right (I know, I'm sounding conceited and like a martyr). And it hurts when people continue to get worse even though they acknowledge problems.
I have had some on tell me specifically that they weren't going to listen to me because I was only a student. That was easily the most hurtful thing some one has said to me. I still talk to them, but I haven't forgotten. That was last year, I believe. Could have been second semester my sophomore year though.
Friends keep me sane and on track. Too much alone time and I may become the next Unabomber.
The abandonment thing... This ties with needing to be near friends. I get depressed very easily when alone. Friends are like my prozac (or a narcotic, I'm not sure which). The thing is, I don't need interaction necessarily. I just need to feel like part of a group. Nathan has done a great thing by making me feel welcome in the NLE. That helps quite a bit, but I still feel so much like an outsider. But, that is a different issue all together. I need to have people that will come find me occasionally, will put effort into finding me. It feels I'm being taken advantage of when I do all the searching. This was part of the reason that I wasn't around my entire junior year. But, I convinved myself that it was only in my mind. Now, I'm not so sure. I live in tower and can really only think of a few times when people have come to find me. This will have to be pondered further I think.
I think that's all the important ones...
You know... I've wanted an orange shirt since they became popular. lady_fox glare at me when I think about it :). However, when the cat's away. hehe. Besides, it was one mega sale because Old Navy is getting to the new, old fads. :)
Reconnecting with my old friends yesterday was really nice. Thing haven't changed, though. Marcus is still really big. Every one still picks on Steve. Chuck doesn't shower (but has the same fun fashion sense). Tim has a good job, but lives with his mother. He's still in the closet... sort of. He has a subscription to three gay mags. They come in black plastic so his mother keeps asking about his porn. His sister keeps buying him gay literature. He has Nick Carter on his wall, for chrissake. He's mother is neurotic and in denial: she's up to daily prozac.
I must keep in better touch with all of them.
Hmm.. Lot to swallow for two days... i leave for California tomorrow....
This will be the first time in my life that my entire family will be together. It should be weird. This is the science family. We all are mensa people, my Aunt was chapter Pres (the bitchy Aunt.. well both are bitchy) and we get to deal with my grandmother's estate. It'll be really weird. I don't know if i can relate to these people. I've got enough of my mother in me to be so radically far removed from their normal spheres (paradigm). I may need to shove a stick up my ass to fit in better.
My shouder hurts from all the typing.