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Portrait of a Young Man as The Artist
This Corrosion
I feel that that song will do some to eludicate, in some potentially cryptic manner, what it feels like being at home. It is the lyrics only, though, that conveys gow I am. The song it self is actually quite upbeat, carnal in its tempo, bass lines and voicing.

Being home is like.... hmm. No easy simile. I shall try to explain.

My father, whom I love dearly, is not unlike a psychic vampire. He drains on me in such a way, but very different to the normal psychic vampire we know. He does not pull on my emotions or attentions. It doesn't give me headaches to be around him. Rather, it hurts to be in this house. This house is very strongly blocked against change, it is a very static and hinders my body and spirit. The only thing that I can do readily without feeling impending panic is stay in the house and watch TV.

For five days straight I have been staring at some electronic device designed to rob me of conscious thought. Consequently, I have watched, in very large chunks, the first three seasons of StarGate: SG-1. While I do not deny that tis has been very nice, it is time for something that is not television.

Today i attempted to finish my "I'm home" ritual (not in the spirituality sense, necessarily). My final days in Villa Park, home of tract housing and my diamond in the rough street, at a book store of some sort equipped with a coffee shop. There I grab that book I was supposed to have read oh so long ago. Purchase coffee, read, etc. Today was to be Umbero Ecco's Name of the Rose which I used to own but has since vanished. I was thwarted by Borders and Barnes and Nobles and The House (My home). At both these places I was over come with frenetic need for something, indescribable of course, but that would not let me rest.

Part, I believe, is the last throes of consumerism following Commercialmas. It was hectic, many people and long lines. There were few places to sit with coffee and indulge my closet bibliophile (well, perhaps not in the closet). So I roamed, selected a book and never looked twice. At least three times I was hit with panic about money, which tumbled to the future and grad school and Lady Fox and my grades and... on. Each time this happened I got in the car and went some where. The final time I was back home, stuffing peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in my face an hour before real dinner and the TV was on, soothing my mind.

Killing it is more apt. You don't think with the TV. There is no me during TV time alone. Atleast at school there is conversation.

So, I mentioned a song. I think I have strayed.

So there's something inside that needs to get out. When I'm here I regress to what I was in high school: a fat, lazy, depressed child. This house crushes the life I have at school. My father's stoic energy mingled with the decrepi house (and my sisters psychotic life) all hurt. That's all I can really say, I guess. i am caged while in this house.

Beloit is marginally better. Being with Lady Fox is far better than many of the good things that have happened in my life. However, there is the depression Sam brings to her house, more TV and little outside interaction. The start of a cleansing diet with her will be good, and intersting. It is a new experience that with, hopefully, bolster the healthy life I had lost on the detrius of the previous semester's explosion. I think I'll take up jogging again, in the mornings, for fresh air and exercise. Too bad I have no DDR, I miss that addiction.

So, as can be seen, I am back. This last semester has ended, I have time (too much probably). I'll be back on here reading the latest gossip from you all. I seem to have managed another very long entry. At least everyone that has me on their friend list has little chance of missing this entry. :)

I wish to say that as depressed and.or psychotic tis entry seems, I'm quite alright. I have just been reflecting upon much these last five days. I am reaching for a new place and needed a place to perch. Hugs to all that take the time to read and comment. I wish to reintegrate into the LJ community,

Comments are duely welcome.


Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: www.mote.org/~don/Complete.Lyrics.phtml#This_Corrosion

6 comments or Leave a comment
moocowrich From: moocowrich Date: December 30th, 2003 12:19 am (UTC) (Link)


Hey yo, welcome back to the world of LJ. It's exciting, dramatic, fun, and it alleviates boredom! What more can you ask for? Human interaction? Hell, that's why they created comments! It's the greatest thing on Earth.

Anyways, I understand this sudden TV addiction and the feeling that it should go away, having watched hours upon hours of Star Trek: The Next Generation in the last week-ish. Good luck overcoming the addiction.

And speaking of addictions, keep eating the junk food man. Healthy food and diets are no fun. Exercise is a whole lot of work. But you're more than welcome to say "I told you so" to me when I get fat. Not if. Good luck keeping to this whole "getting healthy" routine.

This Corrosion = amazing. Sisters of Mercy = amazing.

I'm surprised that I've seen absolutely no DDR at Beloit this year. What up with that? Not that I'd play (OK, I'd probably do it if someone dragged me into it), but it's hilarious watching people.

Good luck catching up on all the LJ happenings. Nobody seems to be posting much lately, so I'm trying to make up for all of them. Since it's my only real connection to the outside world. Help me. Please.

Anyways, welcome back :-)
lady_fox From: lady_fox Date: December 30th, 2003 04:44 am (UTC) (Link)
Welcome back! Glad you finally got over that horribly busy semester. See you soon! I love you.
m_r_leprechaun From: m_r_leprechaun Date: December 30th, 2003 08:28 am (UTC) (Link)
Good to hear from you again!

It's hard to be the new you when everyone around you is only experienced at seeing the old you.

Ignore Rich, good luck on diet and exercise. I've decided that during the time at work when I have nothing productive to do, I will exercise my legs through kungfu stance work. We'll see how that will work out.

DDR will recommence upon my return. You can all count on it.
rilasciare From: rilasciare Date: December 30th, 2003 10:59 am (UTC) (Link)
Becoming who we were in High School is the worst, but it's what's haappening. I've slipped into old patterns again as well, though lacking the panic.
The lack of DDR will be rectified, if I have anything to say about it. There's no reasn we are not playing more than we do now.
minami_neko From: minami_neko Date: December 30th, 2003 04:57 pm (UTC) (Link)


Since I came to college I became a very different person than I was when I still lived at home, and I don't terribly like that person that I was in highschool. I wasn't happy then; didn't know who I was then. Being at "home", which in this case is defined by where my mom lives and where I grew up, makes me feel like I've reverted back into something I don't like. Beloit truly is my home now, in the sense that its the place where I feel like I belong.

Thus, I think I understand what you are going through. It's not /horrible/ at home, it has its good points, it's nice seeing people, but it's more like a place that one should take short and infrequent visits to, rather than feeling like one is "returning" there. If that made any sense whatsoever.

-Jen Fred
damn_robots From: damn_robots Date: December 31st, 2003 02:23 am (UTC) (Link)
Welcome back from me as well. I look forward to more long, interesting entries like this one.
6 comments or Leave a comment