?

Log in

No account? Create an account
entries friends calendar profile ABMann.net Previous Previous Next Next
Hush - Portrait of a Young Man as The Artist — LiveJournal
abmann
abmann
Hush
My denizens are carrion clouds
dappled in blood
and
caught in jars with no holes.
They haven't time to asphyxiate
before I dream them away

I am the fanciful nightmare.
A silent king of dreams
set on fire by a glamourous
and forboding shadow.

Tags:
Current Mood: blank Hush

9 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
kazac From: kazac Date: January 11th, 2005 02:41 am (UTC) (Link)
Worst poem ever. First off, it didn't rhyme. Second, where were the references to rainbows and puppies? How can you have poetry without the puppies!!!!
abmann From: abmann Date: January 11th, 2005 01:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
My life is a darq pit of darke darqueness.
kaylithin From: kaylithin Date: January 11th, 2005 05:24 am (UTC) (Link)
~He's Jack, the Pumpkin Kiiiiiiiiing!~
abmann From: abmann Date: January 11th, 2005 01:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
~You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch~?
ocarina_justin From: ocarina_justin Date: January 11th, 2005 02:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
I rather like it. I have some doubt about the choice of the word "denizens", however, as it doesn't, to me, seem to really fit the theme of 'dreams' and 'dreaming' that runs throughout. Perhaps "fantasies", "hopes", "gremlins"... denizens seems a bit too prozaic to me. I would also delete "dappled in blood/and" and go straight from carrion clouds to caught in.

If you want to keep "dappled in blood", you might want to think about finding a way to move "set on fire" in the second stanza to the second row instead of the third (or vice versa). Better symmetry that way.

I would also write "by a glamorous, forebodoing/shadow", but that's just me.

Hrm... as I said, I do like it. I hope that critique is one thing you were looking for here. If not... err... sorry?

Side note: I do like happy poetry, but I like vivid imagery more, and this accomplishes that well. Its not depressed, its closer to macabre, in my opinion.
abmann From: abmann Date: January 11th, 2005 03:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
I &hearts you. I like constuctive criticism. I don't often see it in my journal.
abmann From: abmann Date: January 11th, 2005 03:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
Denizens has a specific intent that few will actually get. Plus, the synonyms ilke "populace" and "citizenry" are the correct meaning I want but sound forced.

I think you're right about "dapple" and suxh. I've struck it out and will look again later.
lady_fox From: lady_fox Date: January 11th, 2005 03:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
I actually like the dappled in blood bit.... it kind of adds another image that's strong. I think it's a good break from a fast moving poem. You go quickly from one image to the next, which isn't bad, but it gives something to linger.
ocarina_justin From: ocarina_justin Date: January 11th, 2005 04:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
It does break up the poem, which in certain circumstances is a good thing, usually you only want to do that when you want to draw attention or emphasize something. It doesn't seem to be doing that here and it seems like the entire thing flows better without it.

I also like that it is "shadow" (singular) not shadows (plural). Makes it feel like the shadow is a specific thing, and makes me wonder what that thing is, or what it is that is shadowed.

I like making advice on poems. This is also the perfect forum to do so in (online, forum based). Gives plenty of time for reflection before feedback, and also allows to keep track of revisions and suggestions.
9 comments or Leave a comment