This is an unedited brain dump of thoughts about nonmonogamy and some issues I’m having. It may be a little rough
I think the bigger, if not primary, issue I’m having with nonmonogamy currently is not being anyone’s priority. This is new to me since Fox and I broke up and it’s not going terribly well.
There are two statuses I think I could be happy with, or at least happier than I am now. Either in some sort of primary-non primary dynamic where I have someone coming home to me or some regularity within multiple partners.
I’m not convinced the latter is remotely possible (see regular reference to self confidence issues) or desireable. My assumption is that this arrangement is likely more shallow than I want.
As for the former, I’m finding it really hard finding anyone in the poly community not already attached. It seems people come in pairs. And being poly it is that much harder to find a single person that is either already no monogamous or ok with the idea- the last half dozen or so OkC contacts fizzled got this reason.
Side note: I’m not convinced I’m looking for a primary partner for the right or healthy reasons currently as my loneliness and isolation is driving me out more. Which is good – i’ve been more social lately. But not a good reason to seek relationships (if that’s why I am). Though I think that’s why anyone seeks a relationship; I’m at least aware of my motivation and am seeking to temper it. One who assuages my loneliness is necessary but not sufficient to a fulfilling and healthy relationship for all involved.
This is to say I’m feeling hopeless. Less now that I’ve taken a moment to write this junk out at least though I had this all, verbatim, as a running narrative the last month. Feels like I can get past words easier than my brain no surprise.
It’s just tough and I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about it who has the sort of perspective I’d prefer.
On the plus, it’s also gotten me to the gym more lately. Too bad there are so many pretty people there ignoring me equally as well as I’m gawking at them.
I do recognize there are people who care about me deeply and they are wonderful. I’m just not getting what all I want or need with my currently configuration and am unsure if it can or will “get better” given things.