My life is different after this last week. I feel calmer and relaxed. I have noticed that I do not feel really comfortable unless I am stressed at some level. If things are OK, I cannot enjoy myself. If things are okay, I have to exagerate somethinmg so that I can complain. I feel satisfied when I get attention for my life being difficult when in realiity my life is fine; I just want attention.
There was a time in my life, starting around May of my twelfth year on this earth and ending two and a half years later when my Mother moved out of her first house in Sedona. back then I new spiritual reality. I knew what was going on, the inner workings of the spiritual machine. I was no longer a carbon container crunched out by belts and presses. Rather, I had become either a worker or foreman, I'm not sure. I knew there were times when I felt I turned the gears that turn us all; not in the sense that I controlled reality, but that I understood how the world wored and could form things from that knowledge.
Other times I though all I really had was knowledge of the cogs, but could only really observe because I had other things to attend.
I knew. Always knew. I had found great peace and understanding. Masters taught me to connect to the world above the world, link to the ethereal. I could find that loss of ego that all religions preach. I was no longer me, but that of everything.
verything that has happened of note in the last week has reminded me of this. Even Sci-fi books. Michael Smith in Stranger in a Strange Land grokking and saying "Thou art God" rang so true these last days. We are God.
I'm starting to remember how close I used to be to this belief. I was someone more than I am now.
I forgot myself in my studies, so literally it's almost funny. I regressed to the standard rote of existence. Go, make money, live, live, live. We all try to live, live, live that we smash it all into something so heinouse we forget there are steps. We must first live before we can live, and once again live before we live. Again and again we need to live. Tomorrow will always come, but today matters so much more.
It's so hypocritical to say this while I plan for the future. But I need to have the moment while I realize the next steps. I don't think it's wrong to plan for tomorrow, but living in tomorrow is destructive and painful. I will study, I will take tests tomorrow. Today I will study.
Can we be at peace while we study? Why not? Of all the things I forgot about seven years ago, I remember how to live in the moment of a stop light. I leraned quickly how silly it was to get riled up at red lights. I still find red lights a very medatative experience after so many months of reminding my mother that there is always time to relax at a red light. I still do it now.
We can live in today while being safe for tomorrow.
After the gathering this weekend, I need something physical to remind me that there needs be something spiritual going on. I need altars, I need meditation, I need spirit right there in front of me or I forget and become a modern person again. I don't much like that.
I realized that I don't like ritual, as I nearly bit Iris' head off at the handfasting, unless I'm doing it. Even then it's hard to really be comfortable if people are around. I don't like that I spent years hiding my spirituality from everyone I knew... myself too. Though, I never back down from a question. I lost my tolerance an enjoyment of ritual that I used to have. How can I not enjoy a drum circle anymore? Geez! They're so amazing.
In this way, I'm still living the personal fable. Eveyone will be watching, waiting for me to screw up so they can laugh. It's so not true as demonstrated by the wonderful people at serpent. They didn't laugh when I couldn't sing the words for chants. I doubt they even noticed.
I almost didn't participate in a healing circle for Mortyr. THe hell? I used to gorvern healing rituals when I was fourteen. I can't believe I lost that. But I did participate, though I do not like the specifics of how it worked, I'm glad I did.
When I moved into wood yesterday I built an altar. Well, started. It doesn't feel right yet. It's not big enough really. I'd like more space to place more objects. but as it is, it's too clutured. I can't feel it flow yet. I think I need to stabalize the symbolism before it will feel right. Not sure what I want it to be in the end. Maybe I should go back to wall altars as I have subconsciously done since I got to college. Gretchen pointed that one out to me. Strange realization.
I have lost track. Both in this entry :) and in everything. I'm not sure how I wish to get back on track. People turn to spiritual leaders so that they do not have to make the choices. Everything looks wrong when you're trying grow. And, it's an interesting step towards loss of ego to give one's self completely over to a spiritual leader. Kinda what Jesus was saying, right? First rule is to love god, then everything else. Stop thinking of ourselves as the end all of existence... look past our noses. It's humbling to be only a person, not the most important person. Also much much harder.
I read something very interesting at Zug.com. Techno-shamans in texas. That's really what spurred this entry, plus the total lack of updates recently. This is my life at current. Take it or leave it if you will.
I will take it.