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Waverly won't play chess again - Portrait of a Young Man as The Artist — LiveJournal
abmann
abmann
Waverly won't play chess again
Bought Just a Geek yesterday. Quite enjoyable. I think that I've become obsessed with people's lives, my own included. This is probably why I keep toying with my webcam and am looking into making a webserver. I like it when people are viewing mylife. It makes it[my life] seem more worthwhile.

Life as creative endeavor? I think that's what I want to go for. Just being as an art form. Blogging daily events, as I do here. Webcamming, which I generally do something wacky with couple of times a week. What I wish I could do is be a gargoyle like Dr. Man. I also think I want this because I've become very addicted to the internet.

I was wandering around Barnes and Nobles last night and felt very lost. I knew there was a wireless connection and I had forgotten my laptop. I wanted to write something, anything. I always want to write when I'm at a bookstore. I'm surrounded by these.. these.. books! everywhere! People have done what I want to do, and I feel like I can't.

Tangent, sorry. More than write creatively I wanted to write about wanting to write creatively. I wanted a laptop webcam so I could show you all that I was there, being somebody.

This is a weird edge. By obsessing over something so

small
as the

Internet

, I feel less cool - less hip and less of a person because I'm a moderate shut-in. BUT (and I think this is a big one I can't get my mind around) by wanting to do all this, and doing all of it as I am, it makes me more of a somebody. See, I want you guys to know me as well as I nkow me - to obsess over me as much as I do. This makes me very vain but in a new way.



It isn't that I'm full of myself (I don't think) and want you to fawn over me, I want a more intimate celebrity. I want you to know me as I know me. I want this to lessen the guilt I feel about being so self-involved. I'm not sure that it will.

So, as I go about making a webspace, compiling my life from a scattered LJ entity to a conglomerated artistic statement that is myself, I wonder if I will cease to care about anything that does not pertain to me? Now, were I to build that wearable computer that I have already started designing (as well as I can being inept at hardware), would making my life the world does that increase or decrease my self involvement? Or would that be like making the ultimate in vanity? Making the world my life? I am unsure.

All I know is that while reading Just a Geek, I realized that I'm more bored with the world. This is why I spend so much time on line. I get to be "out there" interacting with the world without flailing about in sleet and snow. Maybe if I subjugate the world to me I will get out there more, but be drawn further into the internet world I'd be creating for myself. Conundrum.

I also realized that I can completely ignore all other things, excepting lj user equals lady_fox who is too damn cute to ignore, when I'm interested in something. I forgot my addiction to the Internets and Bloodlines when I started reading tis book - which is a compilation of Wil Wheaton's weblog.... Meta blogging. Living his life through book through weblog. Maybe that's why I like it so much, it's about my addiction. But them, why don't I read more Cyberpunk? Maybe because it isn't real. I want to be living in the process of getting to Cyber punk.

I want to be man.

I want you all to know it.

EDIT: Back on the diet/exercise horse. I'd say I want to lose 15 lbs by Yule, but I'll be weight training so fat lose is hard to monitor. Maybe the goal should be "significant reduction of bodily softness" but Yule. I've been craving good fruit real hard since last week. I've also felt overfull since Thanksgiving. I'm hoping I'm stuff inder 200 lbs, but I've been eating like a pig for like 5 days straight. No weighing myself until next Monday.

Current Mood: indescribable indescribable

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Comments
djtatsu From: djtatsu Date: November 29th, 2004 12:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
See, I want you guys to know me as well as I know me

I always feel this way about myself and I always seem to be trying to vilify my vanity by working on a website about myself in the name of my artistic endeavours. Will this work...probably not.
abmann From: abmann Date: November 29th, 2004 12:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
My concerns lie less in a website and more in self-involvement increasing as a result of a website. The main goal of the site, as well, is me wanting to show my life rather than my art. This is why it feels like the greatest conceit I've ever known.
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