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Why don’t I write more? - Portrait of a Young Man as The Artist
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Why don’t I write more?



Why don’t I write more?, originally uploaded by ABMann.

Why Don’t I Write More
No good reason.

I get caught in things at home. I relax at home; I work elsewhere. Writing is work and I don’t work at home; I relax at home.

Why is writing work? It takes effort to do it well. I have to research the topic; think about my feelings and motivations; understand them; outline what I write; draft it and review it to ensure I don’t look like an insipid ass if I publish it….

Why so much effort? Well, it matters. I used to pop off entries in LJ (what does this even mean? abmann.livejournal.com/2004/12/20/) without editing or, at best, edited while an entry was receiving comments. And that’s kind if terrible to your audience. And I don’t want to do that, leave my structure unconsidered, leave thoughts dangling, look like an insipid ass. It is shitty writing otherwise.

Why does that matter? Can an audience trust or care about a careless writer?

Yes Well, sure, but I care a great deal about how I present, about how people perceive me. It’s both an INTJ think as well as self-confidence thing, which is a euphemism fir “INTJ thing”. Which is synonymous with “a convenient excuse.”

So how do you make it less like work and more like fun? That is what I’m struggling with most. Receiving feedback is encouraging but shouldn’t be the metric by which I measure success; I shouldn’t rely on others for validation of what a produce – this us a theme of my life. Plus, I do gave the inclination or time (mostly the former) to cultivate the online communities I want to cultivate to produce that feedback loop.

Well the, how do you make what you write have intrinsic value? Less self loathing and more drugs? Most of what I write us pretty intimate wether anyone recognizes it or of and that had value, sorting that out. That has intrinsic value: understanding myself better. I recognize it.

Why isn’t that enough? That is the key. the crux! The snitch! The cultural reference! I am just me and my brain weasels don’t have a greater context in the world. Sure. It provides value to me it doesn’t provide it for anyone else. I have this meddlesome need to publish everything I write elsewise it provides to “real value” because it only he,os me understand the world. The world needs to understand me.

So, if I’m not adding new value to the works, what’s the point? And since in my head writing = publishing I ask myself “Who cares?” Every time I sit down to write. If that answer isn’t more than myself, I balk.

So I only like to write if it provides non-specific value, like why I post everything with a photo- who cares otherwise?

**That is a tangled web there, crazypants.“ I know, right? So, the options become:
get over your need to provide extrinsic value or
find evidence that introspection is extrinisically valued or
stop posting this crap

The last thing isn’t going to happen. Mostly because I don’t believe it is crap. So maybe I need to re,ate my ntwrnL crazies to the world?

That sounds like a great way to further restrict what I write which is not the goal.

Soooo get over myself?

Get over yourself.
Yeah.

Started Dec 18th, 2012

14° Clear
Barriques Wine Cave, Madison, WI, United States

“Think you’re escaping and run into yourself. Longest way round is the shortest way home.”
― James Joyce, Ulysses
More me: ABMann.net

Originally published at Portrait of the Young Man as an Artist. You can comment here or there.

2 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
mysterysquid From: mysterysquid Date: February 20th, 2013 05:32 am (UTC) (Link)
This internal monologue sounds hauntingly familiar...
abmann From: abmann Date: February 20th, 2013 01:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
I think there is a common crazy thread amongst us LJers.
2 comments or Leave a comment