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On nonmonogamy and the secondary person - Portrait of a Young Man as The Artist
abmann
abmann
On nonmonogamy and the secondary person

Halo

This is an unedited brain dump of thoughts about nonmonogamy and some issues I’m having. It may be a little rough

I think the bigger, if not primary, issue I’m having with nonmonogamy currently is not being anyone’s priority. This is new to me since Fox and I broke up and it’s not going terribly well. 

There are two statuses I think I could be happy with, or at least happier than I am now. Either in some sort of primary-non primary dynamic where I have someone coming home to me or some regularity within multiple partners. 

I’m not convinced the latter is remotely possible (see regular reference to self confidence issues) or desireable. My assumption is that this arrangement is likely more shallow than I want. 

As for the former, I’m finding it really hard finding anyone in the poly community not already attached. It seems people come in pairs.  And being poly it is that much harder to find a single person that is either already no monogamous or ok with the idea- the last half dozen or so OkC contacts fizzled got this reason. 

Side note: I’m not convinced I’m looking for a primary partner for the right or healthy reasons currently as my loneliness and isolation is driving me out more. Which is good – i’ve been more social lately. But not a good reason to seek relationships (if that’s why I am).   Though I think that’s why anyone seeks a relationship; I’m at least aware of my motivation and am seeking to temper it. One who assuages my loneliness is necessary but not sufficient to a fulfilling and healthy relationship for all involved.

This is to say I’m feeling hopeless. Less now that I’ve taken a moment to write this junk out at least though I had this all, verbatim, as a running narrative the last month. Feels like I can get past words easier than my brain no surprise. 

It’s just tough and I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about it who has the sort of perspective I’d prefer. 

On the plus, it’s also gotten me to the gym more lately. Too bad there are so many pretty people there ignoring me equally as well as I’m gawking at them. 

I do recognize there are people who care about me deeply and they are wonderful. I’m just not getting what all I want or need with my currently configuration and am unsure if it can or will “get better” given things. 

Originally published at Portrait of the Young Man as an Artist. You can comment here or there.

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Comments
lady_fox From: lady_fox Date: July 16th, 2012 05:49 am (UTC) (Link)
*hugs* I know what you mean.

I'm no help, unfortunately.
dangermouse72 From: dangermouse72 Date: July 16th, 2012 07:24 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm not, nor ever have been, or even have any intnetion of being 'poly', so I'm no help on that front, sorry, but I do know what you mean re the loneliness. But as you say, it's good that, for whatever reason, you're getting out more and being more sociable. That can only be a good thing, in my book.
abmann From: abmann Date: July 16th, 2012 11:31 am (UTC) (Link)
I agree that out is good. I think I am overly concerned with the reasons why, thinking that they are a malign influence. I suspect everyone goes to to meet people to be less lonely.
nidea From: nidea Date: July 16th, 2012 01:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hugs! Feel free to talk to me and figure out if I have a good perspective.
tandu From: tandu Date: July 16th, 2012 06:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm no help, but I do understand where you're coming from.

All I can say is, don't phrase your desires in the negative. "I don't want to be lonely" is no help. "I want someone in my life for whom I'm a priority" is much better phrasing. Keep your thoughts on the positive, on what you desire, rather than what you lack. Attitude is attractive.

Also, irrational self confidence is attractive. In spite of all evidence to the contrary, you are the best lover, the best photographer, the best friend, the best anything that the new person has ever met. All criticism must simply be laughed away as of no importance. Remember, it's only arrogance if you can't back it up. And you should have time to back it up if you're working it correctly. And what's wrong with being a little arrogant, anyway.

As always, I recommend the Art of Seduction by Robert Greene. If you keep having the same issues, it may be time to try something different. I've been experimenting with being attractive, and while I may not be Brad Pitt, I do alright. A bit of irrational self-confidence, a bit of flash, a bit of fantasy, some teasing: People keep coming into my orbit. Taking people outside of their everyday.

Concentrate on the process, and eventually the result will appear. This is how athletes do it. How writers and artists do it. Why/how is Love or relationships any different?
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