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Seeking Serenity - Portrait of a Young Man as The Artist
abmann
abmann
Seeking Serenity

Dobra, originally uploaded by ABMann.

Via Flickr:
From a few weeks ago. Feeling the serenity.

This weekend was mostly great. Personally, I'm not big on parties in general but the occasional small-scale party is great. Though, I don't do well surrounded by lots of people I don't know that well. I become really self-conscious and, among other things, believe that no one wants anything to do to me. This is generally predicated upon seeing everyone interacting with everyone else rather than me. Through which I feel lonelier and less likely to talk to people which exacerbates the whole thing.

The subsequent "no one wants to be around me" feeling is hard to shake and can last for days. I think fell into that cycle last night after a weekend of parties and insufficient downtime. By the time I realized the later, being alone just made it worse.


blah blah blah. Suffice that I need to get better at asking for what I want, realizing I'm probably more interesting and attractive than i give myself credit for, and just because people aren't talking to me doesn't mean that they dislike me - especially in relation to Rock Band which is a whole Other Thing in my head right now.
Fun stuff:
I've been wanting to weight lift but I hate going to the gym. I've been running in the arboretum and have been looking for large, heavy objects to lift - like fallen trees - to supplement my workouts. I really like that image. Deadlifting trees.

Ohh.. paleolithic caber tossing.

I've also been considering taking up knife throwing again now that I have a backyard.

Yeah, I used to throw knives. I heart random defensive skills.

7 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
alyska From: alyska Date: May 31st, 2011 04:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
I resemble that second and third paragraph.
abmann From: abmann Date: May 31st, 2011 05:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
How do you get past it?
alyska From: alyska Date: May 31st, 2011 05:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
Stepping away when I need to. Challenging myself to stick around sometimes, or grading the separation (finding a quiet place *at* the party to go for a few minutes before re-joining people later.)

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

In general, my (already limited) tolerance for large crowds has dwindled a lot in the last ten years, to the point that they can make me really anxious (especially if it's an unfamiliar crowd) though most people would never guess that such things cause panic attacks and stuff from time to time. (Unfortunately, when so many people have doubted the veracity of my illness(es) because "I didn't look sick," I got really good at hiding their effects, which was/is both a good and a bad thing.)
lady_fox From: lady_fox Date: May 31st, 2011 09:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
As someone who tends to be a LITTLE more social, if someone isn't trying to interact, I tend to wonder if they're wanting me to just leave them alone. So it's possible that it's not that people don't want to talk to you or don't like you, but think that you don't like or want to talk to them...

Aren't we all just wonderfully insecure idiots sometimes? I know I am.
dangermouse72 From: dangermouse72 Date: June 1st, 2011 06:51 am (UTC) (Link)
" believe that no one wants anything to do to me."

I have similar feelings/issues, so know the feeling.
lipsoflove From: lipsoflove Date: June 1st, 2011 06:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
I too usually feel inferior when I am in a crowd of too-many-people-I-don't-know. However, from the comments on this posts and from the general living of life, most people feel the same way.

I figure the best way to push out that negativity is to become one of the poeple you see seemingly having a good time. Approach someone you want to talk to and try your damndest to strike up a goodly conversation.

My motto is, "Fuck the haters," because usually one of the main haters in the game is myself.
quincidence From: quincidence Date: June 3rd, 2011 01:25 am (UTC) (Link)
ah this explains so much.
the last party at which you and I were both in attendance.. I thought you were avoiding me! So I thought I was being gracious by leaving you alone.
Possibly I was right, or possibly wrong. That was a bizarre night....
Just sayin...
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